Personal Ad

 

OK, it’s time for me to come up with a new personal ad. "Lonely old farts need love too. Balding, bifocaled, gray bearded 56-year-old with bad teeth seeking the company of a compassionate female."

I am a homeowner on a fixed income, SSD, if you must know. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder after my wife died three years ago. I try to keep fit, eat healthy, etc. but the loneliness gets the best of me sometimes. I live alone on 5 acres out in the country. It’s nice out here in the spring, fall and winter. Summers suck, but hey, I’ve got AC and no set schedule.

I am not looking for a nurse or a maid. I can look after myself. I wouldn’t say no to a nursemaid though, wink wink. I feel that I am a genuinely nice guy, although I do get a bit frustrated at times. I am too old and creepy to flirt properly, and I never learned the proper social protocols anyway.

What am I looking for in a woman? Uh, a pulse. Sure, I admire classic beauty, but I'm a realist. I am no prize turkey. Besides, the real beauty is inner beauty anyway. Tall, short, young, old, fat, skinny, black, white, blonde, brunette, I'm not picky.

I don't know If I could date a cigarette smoker, though, to be honest. The smell makes me nauseous. Smoke all the weed you want, that doesn't bother me, but I'd prefer not to get involved with any heavy drug users. Just not my scene. Moderate drinking is OK. I used to do it, but I gave it up a few years back. I may have a sip or two on rare occasions, but I value my liver these days, and it appreciates me cutting way back on the booze.

What are the odds that this ad will generate a sympathetic response? I figured I would go ahead and take the chance to and place it anyway. If you are a scammer, a bot or some phishing algorithm, I sympathize with you. Even AI robot scammers gotta make a living.

Oh, and I have what I guess is a normal sex drive. I just don’t have anywhere to drive it. But you don’t have to worry about me trying to jump your bones, that is unless you specifically want me to. I’m very respectful that way. I really could just use some companionship, part time, maybe working into a full-time, live-in arrangement.

Oh dear, did I just open the door for the homeless hordes? I'm guessing that the only woman that would deign to take up with me would be one who had fallen upon hard times and is possibly living out of a car or a shopping basket. I’m certainly not a sugar daddy, by any means. More like one of those sour lemon candies, what are they called, Lemonheads?

Anyway, my shelf life is limited, so I better slap on this reduced price sticker and see if I can sell this meat before it goes completely rank.

Details: 56 years old, in (Yuba Foothills)

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Yes, that is an actual personal ad that I just now came up with. Why, you ask, would I bother to place an ad so blatantly unappealing? Why lead with my faults? Am I trying to sabotage my own dating career before it even gets off the ground? 

Yes. Yes, I am. I don't want to go through all of that nonsense of trying to make myself look like something I'm not. I hate the idea of charming my way into a date, only for them to find that I am not what I advertised myself to be. Better that they should know about all the dents, rust spots and tears in the upholstery before they even bother to take the car on a test drive. 

As lonely as I might be, I'm not really expecting to get anywhere with this strategy. I'm just bored, and I find it entertaining to write half-serious, half-satirical personal ads targeting a non-existent audience. I have a long history of doing this, so it was only a matter of time before I started playing around with the idea again. 

Sleep tight, ladies, I'm not really on the prowl. I'm still hibernating in my cave. Someone shot the groundhog, and it has been winter in my heart since forever.