The Battle of Taco Bell Parts I and II (2005)

Part One

Once upon a time

My path to Taco Bell was

Impeded by a gigantic grapefruit

With four eyes

And screaming tentacles

That extended outward in

Every direction when aroused

Reaping the repercussions I

Did not swerve but

Challenged its authority to

Bar my way

Knowing I was a mere mortal it lunged at me

Suction cups blaring

With my Ginsu I sliced

And stabbed

And slashed my way

Past it

Dashed for the door

Stepped up to the counter

And ordered a burrito

Part Two

One sunny afternoon in December

My hunger drove me to a place

Where a horrible incident had

Occurred months before

The juice stains had all been

Washed away

The severed tentacles gathered up

By hungry Mexicans

But where was the beast itself?

Where had the giant four-eyed

Grapefruit gotten off to?

I cautiously entered the establishment

I approached the counter with

Trepidation

Wearing a paper hat, its tentacles

Bound beneath a hairnet it

Spoke these words

“Welcome to Taco Bell. May I take your order?”

Valentine from Boopie

 

My Dearest Hoody,

                       I just had to take the time away from

homework to tell you how much I love you.

You made Valentine's Day so special. I really

appreciated the thought you put into it.

Everything about it was perfect. I hope I

didn’t ruin it for you with my crappy

conversation. You're the love of my life.

You make me so happy. You make me think

of you all day long. I feel so truly blessed to

be married to you. I know I don't show it

much because of school but I really do think

you are the greatest person in the world.

You make my heart go pitter-patter. I love

you so very much.

                       I hope you had a good day at work. I

know you work so hard and I do really think

you are wonderful, the way you go to work

and work hard every day. You are truly an

amazing and wonderful man. Thank you for

being mine...All MINE!

                                         Love, Boopie

CB Radio Diatribe (2003 -- yes, I actually read this over the airwaves)

This is a long winded public service announcement by Dogbone Radio. The views and opinions expressed here are my own.

Introduction

I'm going to key up for a little while and this might take some time so I apologize in advance for tying up the airwaves. However, I am a little long-winded and I have a few things I need to get off my chest. You might get bored and decide to leave the room, or shut your radio off, that's ok. I am going to stay on the air until I have said all I want to say, then I'll let go of the key and if anyone has anything they want to say I'll listen. If you want to tell me to fuck off that's fine, too. I really don't care at this point. I'm talking.

Hi, I'm Dogbone, and I used to talk quite a bit on the radio. About 6 years ago I was pretty obsessed with the CB. I'd always have one on, in the car, in my bedroom, living room, etc. I even had a speaker in the bathroom. Every morning at 8 o'clock I would key up music and ramble on about nothing. I used to talk on channel 22 and participate in the noise, chaos and crap talking that went on out there 24/7.

Somehow, in all that BS I managed to meet my fiancée, Cowgirl over the airwaves. She proved to be an exception to my "all Cbers are scum" philosophy. Like women do, she worked on me and helped change me in many ways. I went back to school and got a career and stopped throwing my dirty underwear in the corner. Eventually, we got tired of all the crap talking that went on on a daily basis and put our radios away, until just recently.

Anyway, who cares, right? We just recently put them back in service to communicate with each other instead of buying cell phones. But the airwaves are shared with anyone with a radio, so into our lives came some undesired things. Here's where you might want to listen and see what you think may or may not apply to you. If I sound preachy, it's probably my church background, it left a big impression on the way I think and act, although I don't call myself a Christian anymore.

CB RADIO is a forum for free speech

It's like a public beach, anyone can park their big ol' butt on a towel and soak up some sun rays. It's free. Black, white, rich, poor, educated or not, no one can tell you what you can or can't say over the radio. And as such, opinions, however unreasonable or "stupid" are protected. AS is the right to say "yo mamma" or "kiss my fine black ass."

If a person is offended by what they hear on the radio they have options. ON/OFF switch is one. Volume and squelch also work well for removing offensive speech from your ears. There is even a channel selector to choose from many frequencies, with many different people who talk on them. You also have a microphone, with a PTT switch, which means you have the ability to key up and voice your own opinion. You may do so AT ANY TIME.

Not everyone is going to like everyone else. This is the nature of people. To be different. Some people like to fart, and other people like to pick their nose. It's really no one else's business. If I were a racist, or a Nazi or whatever else, I'd have the same right to key up my garbage as anyone else. I'm not, by the way. I don't like to categorize or label people. They are all individuals. I am an individual. I'm not a hater or someone who is looking for a fight.

I will protect myself in a situation that calls for it, and protect my family and property. I am not going to be intimidated from talking on my CB. I may fall into someone's "asshole" category. That's fine. No one is forced to talk to me, or listen to me. I try to be nice to everyone, sometimes my personality rubs folks the wrong way. Sorry. But it is just a radio. It stops there. Once threats are carried out, or property is damaged, then appropriate actions will be taken. Laws protect. So do the police. So security cameras and neighborhood watch.

It's SO SAD

So the spray paint has already been removed, but the damage was done. You've all lost a cheery personality, and caused a girl to suffer anxiety. I'm speaking of Cowgirl, who has had enough of the radio, and the threats and backstabbing that has gone on in the last week or so. She's the one getting ulcers worrying because of vandalism and threats over the radio.

Even though she specifically told a certain Cber to not reveal any personal information over the radio, this was not respected. She feels hurt because she did quite a bit for this individual in the last few weeks, from feeding him, to giving him rides, to inviting him into our house. We don't think we are better than anyone, but we can't be friends with people who betray us by instigating fights and feed people's anger with "he said, she said" kinds of talk.

She ain't havin' it. Talking on the CB should be fun, and for her, now it's not. Way too much drama. She already watches Days of our Lives, and what's nice is those people don't come to your house and spray paint on your fence. She's had a few problems in the past with bad people from the CB radio and she's not going to go through it all again. It's sad because she has a great personality and loves to talk to anyone. But this whole thing has gotten her so upset she's getting stomach ulcers.

She doesn't want me to get on here right now and vent, but she understands. I am doing it for her. I don't want any trouble, neither does she. So I suggest that the individual who has any information about us, such as vehicles, addresses, physical descriptions, job locations, keep it to themselves. Why does anyone want to fuck with us anyway? What button did we push?

If a person wants to box, join the gym. If they want to kill something, get a hunting license. If you want to spray paint, spray paint some rusty old lawn furniture and make it look better. Use a good sealer and don't forget to sand first. Let the CB radio be for what it is, cheap talk and cheap entertainment.

I personally am more into the technical aspects, what antennas get out better, what radios have what features and perform the best. If you want to compete, get your station strong, get some killer audio. Get a stompin' mobile. Be happy. Don't stress. Live and let live. Life's too short to have feuds and fights with members of your own community. It is a small town. Some people like it that way. So since everyone knows where everyone lives and what they drive, let's all try to respect each other just enough to have happy lives.

Life is not about who fights the best. There are plenty of people who can kick my ass, and I'm sure there are a few old ladies out there that I might be able to intimidate. But why? I'm just another guy with another opinion that don't mean shit. So everyone, "Have a good day." I will unkey now.

Andrew Letter 25 -- I break the news to Mom about Sharon and I getting back together

From: andrew <dogboner@c-zone.net>

To: Edrie Kioski <edrie.kioski@rosetechnology.com>

Sent: Thursday, February 10, 2000 February 10, 2000 7:28 PM

Subject: Hi,Mom!

P.S. The date on your email says Jan 18 but I didn't get it until Feb 9 .... am I in a time warp?

 

 

Dearest Mom,

 

I don't know where to begin this so I'll just hit you over the head with it, then I'll back up and see if I can't make some sense of it to you afterward.

Sharon and I are back together again.

I know you feel that since she hurt me and treated me so badly, that I should hate her and never want to be with her again. I just can't do that.

It's not because I am a weak person. I feel that during the time we were apart I became much more self-reliant and learned much about myself as a person. One of the things I learned was how much I really loved her. Sure, I did try to put her out of my mind, but you know how I cried and wailed because I couldn't bear to let her go. You can never forget your true love.

Well, letting her go turned out to be the best thing. She had a month to do as she pleased, to be free, to try to replace me or be alone-whatever she wanted. And after comparing every single guy she came in contact with to me, guess what? She realized that she couldn't replace me, and that what she was searching for was what she already had, and lost.

She wrote me a letter, begging me to take her back, apologizing for everything and saying that she realized that she loved me. I know that this was a difficult thing for her to do because she has a lot of pride. But she just poured out her heart to me and I knew that if she really felt this way, that she had learned some really valuable things by being away from me. I didn't really have to think too much to know what I wanted, but I had to be sure she knew what she wanted. I talked to her about her letter. She really meant everything she said and she has a whole new attitude.

I know you were mad at her for hurting me and you only want to see me happy. Believe me, she is sorry that she did what she did. It nearly cost her everything, because sooner or later the door to my heart would have closed shut and who knows if I'd ever have been able to open it again. She feels terribly about how you must feel about her and knows that it will be difficult for you to accept her again. But I am asking you for my sake, and the sake of any future (who knows) kids there may be, that you help me to put aside the past.

People make mistakes in life, and they get confused and don't know what's best sometimes. If I learned anything from 5 years of Christianity, it was that love is greater than evil. Love can even the score with one stroke, and it is called forgiveness. Sometimes forgiveness is impossible, when someone is in a state of denial, or unrepentant. But when someone whom you love begs you to take them back, and tells you how sorry they are to have hurt you, and that they love you and will do anything for you ... that they can't live without you -- well, I can tell you, it isn't hard to forgive.

 

Forgetting may be another matter. It takes time, and a lot of positive water flowing under the bridge.

Sharon and I are determined to make things work out. Sharon's mom, who has always liked me, but never thought we were right for each other is beginning to see the possibility that we may be destined to be together after all. I don't think a person gets too many chances at love in this life, and I don't want to blow mine by saying "well, because you did this, then I will have to do that-and tic and tac, check-mate, I win." I just don't see the point. She has assured me that she has "gotten her head out of her ass" and that she won't do anything like that again. 

I am willing to forgive her and try again. I never did stop loving her, Mom. It was a very painful experience, but I think she is better for it and the result is that our relationship can be better, too. She is much more appreciative of us, and realizes that what we had was something very special. I don't know what the future will hold, I just know that I am happier with her in my life, and happiest of all now that she is genuinely 100% in the relationship. It may be difficult to understand, but what we have now is stronger than what I thought we had before.

 

How are things with you guys? Sounds like financial belt-tightening, all the way around. Well, at least your house is paid off ... (I think.) And the both of you are highly employable, if perhaps overqualified. When I am faced with a shaky perch, I always try to make my jump to higher ground. Sometimes you can only move laterally, or down. But as long as it's a soft landing you aren't in too much trouble. I don't foresee too bad of a time for you, as you are both very smart and have many options available.

 

When I ever finish this schooling, I will have plenty of open doors. Hopefully, I won't be tossed out of them for ineptitude. There are just so many things to learn and apply before you can become the "master mechanic" that people think you already are when you get your certification. I just learned how to set the timing on my car for the first time last weekend. I have the advantage of having a certain amount of intellectual ability, which doesn't always equal common sense, but can make you look like you know what you are doing (even when you really don't.) I learn the most when I make mistakes. Bill Gates was right when he said "success is a lousy teacher." You definitely learn more from getting something wrong than from getting it right by accident.

 

I really appreciate you guys being there for me, I'd never be able to do this if it weren't for your help.

I'm hoping my last two semesters I will be able to work as either a teachers aid or in some local auto shop and get paid to get my skills up. I know my first job won't be that great as far as pay (it is what is called paying your dues) but hopefully they will provide the on-the-job training that I am still lacking.

 

Well, take care ... Talk to you later. Don't be mad at me for being with Sharon, I know it will take time, but I hope you two can become friends again.

 

Love,

Andrew

 

 

The Reply (I respond to Sharon's Makeup Letter -- the longwinded version)

 

Sharon, I got your letter. I don't know what to say. My head is still swimming. I'm not actually sure that it is actually real, or maybe I'm dreaming. Part of me wants to jump for joy and believe everything I am reading, ask no questions and take you back before you can change your mind.

Then part of me says ,"Whoa, whoa what's going on? Are you maybe just going through a phase, and getting sentimental? If we did get together, how would it be? What would be different? Could things be the same? Would I want things to be the same? Could things be better? Would you be happier? Would I be happier? What about the future? What about the past? Could we truly put it behind us?"

All these questions. It makes me glad to hear you express such strong feelings for me. I thought I was the only one whose emotions were so strong. I have never had anyone ever want me back before; I've always been the one left sitting in the dust.

There is not a day that goes by that i don't think about you. Usually, I try to block it out before the sadness comes. Sometimes I've let myself remember the good times, and usually that just results in my getting misty and crying my head off. I try not to let that happen too much.

I tell myself that I must be strong and try to focus on stuff that I have some control over, like school, or housework--anything. It hasn't been easy; you made a very deep impression on my heart. I've been keeping myself occupied, but I wouldn't say that I've been happy. I was never happier than when I was with you, when things were at their best, or at least I thought they were.

I've tried putting personal ads on the Internet but with no success. I wouldn't be able to replace you, even if someone did actually answer my ad, and things actually made it as far as meeting someone, etc. I knew once I lost you that basically, I would be alone.

I haven't fallen into my previous habits, become a druggie or a drunk. I have you to thank for that and am glad. I know that no matter what I do, I could never get you out of my heart. I know they say that time can heal anything, but in a million years it will never let you forget.

I know it isn't possible to go back in time, but if I could, I would go back to when I thought things were good between us. Even the bad times really weren't so bad, because the love that we had.

When you first wanted to leave me, I couldn't believe it or understand it. I didn't want to accept that maybe I wasn't good enough or couldn't make you happy in life. I know that a person can have problems inside, and it affects how they see things, how they treat people and everything. 

I thought if I just did this or that or changed things about myself, that I could make a difference. I know now that no matter what I did, it didn't matter, you had to discover your own true feelings for yourself.

You have had some time to yourself and to see what your life would be like without me in it. What has happened that made you think more highly of me now than one month ago? I was under the impression that you were happy to be free -- free of me, free to be whoever you wanted to be.

What has changed? What disappointments have brought you to this point? You're letter sounds so emotional; it reminds me of someone I know very well: me. I just didn't think it was possible that you would feel this way. I haven't changed, you are just looking at me differently now that we are apart. But is getting back together truly what you want?

I never questioned my love for you, I just realized that I was fighting a losing battle and that I needed to let you go. It broke my heart that you wouldn't make up with me on Christmas Day when I brought the flowers. But I couldn’t compete with your fantasies. Poor, humble me, with my pathetic flowers and my hopes all crushed, trying to be macho.

I guess I just figured you wanted something or someone else, taller, big truck, rancher--someone other than me. What makes me so attractive all of a sudden?

I know that loneliness can make you wish for someone to be with. Sadly, many are in abusive  unhappy relationships just because they don't want to be alone. I wouldn't want to take advantage of you in a moment of loneliness or weakness to try to get you back into a relationship.

I think that was the whole problem (at least for you) to start with. You questioned my motives in getting involved with you, saying that I was just desperate or that I didn't love you for who you were.

I never saw it that way. I was just happy that you were with me. I never thought that I might be taking advantage of you. I thought you wanted to be with me because you liked me, because we got along so well and because we seemed to be so happy together.

I just wouldn't want for you to want to get together with me for the wrong reasons. If it is just loneliness, it will pass. I can't say that I've won the battle. I still get all sad whenever something reminds me of you (which is all the time).

I've have had to accept the possibility that we'd never be together. All those memories make it so very hard to accept, because I was truly happy. But were you? Truly? Am I truly the kind of man you'd be happiest with? Or would you always be thinking that someone better, richer or taller is out there?

I could not take another hurt of the kind I had when I found you doing the things that led to our breaking up. And I wouldn't want you to be in a relationship with me just because you think you "couldn't get anyone better." I just want so much for our love to be true. I couldn't stand for another heartbreak to happen.

We both need to take a close look at who we are, how we feel and how we really fit into each other's lives. If it turns out that we can really be together, then we need to be honest about what we want from the relationship. We have to start all over again, and be open and up front right from the start.

 We need to not be afraid to love each other and be kind to one another.

 Oh, Honey

 Can we?

Andrew "Dogboner" replies to Sharon "CWgirly" re: the makeup letter

 Page 1 of 1

 — andrew dogboner(g)c-zone.net> wrote:

Wow.
I don't know if I'm still asleep or not. I never
would have thought I'd get
a letter like this from you. I'm shocked (but not
unhappy). Of course I will
call you, how could I not? Please let me know when
would be a good time, as
I don't know your schedule. I get home around
4 oclock on Thursdays, and
today I may be a little bit later. If it's ok I
could call you around
5 oclock. I have to get ready for school, so I guess
1'll have to wait to
talk to you till then. Please have a good day, I
will call vou in the
evening, if that's ok.
Love, Andrew

From:    Sharon Orrick <cwgirly@yahoo com>
To:    andrew <dogboner@c-zone.net>
Sent:    Thursday, February 03, 2000 9:08    AM
Subject:    Re: Dear Andrew

I'm sorry to have shocked the hell out of you but it's all true. I will be here. I am not working tonight. Andrew, I still have your horse. I couldn't sell her.
I had a person come up from Sacramento with the perfect situation and I backed out. I couldn't do it.
It just wasn't fair. Mainly it wasn't fair to you.
I could come over if you want me to? If not that is
ok. I understand. I miss you.

Love.
Sharon

P.S. Say we do get back together, and I really hope we do, my family is not going to be happy, but you know what, for the first time I don't care. I know what I want out of life and it's you. They can eat shit and accept you and accept it. They like you but don't think we are right for each other.

Sharon's Makeup Letter

From:    Sharon Orrick <cwgirly@yahoo    com>
To:    <dogboner@c-zone.net>
Sent:    Wednesday, February 02, 2000    9:28 PM
Subject:    Dear Andrew

Dear Andrew,
I know you don't want contact with me in any way but I need to speak with you. We've been apart for a month now and you know what I have found during this month. That I miss you terribly and all I think about is you. Maybe in my weakened state from disappointment after disappointment I have come to realize that we really did have something. Yes, in fact when I was talking to Vivianne about you she asked me if I loved you and I told her I did and she said she knew I did because I never had anything bad to say about you and everything was always good. I have found that I am in fact too old now to be in the dating game. I need to settle down and quit being childish. Andrew I have tried to contact you on the phone but either you aren’t there or it is busy. I ask you this...would you please take me back. It is beyond me to beg but I realize that I love you. Even though maybe my parents don’t agree but then again they don't agree with any of what I do. I need your love and I need to move on with my life in a positive way. I feel myself some how slipping though I am doing well I just can't live without you. Please find it in your heart to forgive me what I have done. It took me risking everything I had to find this out and I know there is a great chance that you won't take me back. If not I will regret this for the rest of my life. But it is your choice now. I am the fool here and I hope you will love me for who I am and I will love you for who you are and what you are to me. We were more than friends yes. I know this. We had more than I have ever had with anyone or could hope to have with anyone. All those times we did stuff together and all the times we went fishing and our little camping times. I loved it, every minute of it. My life was good then. I felt complete. I am so empty without you. I feel so badly that I hurt you but I had to harden my heart and tell myself that I had to push you away. Why? I think it was to find myself and to know that I could be alone.
But for what? Look where it has gotten me. NO where.
I know I sound like a sorry sack of shit. For the first time in my life I want something back that I
lost. Usually I can say oh well and move on. But not this time, I think that maybe because we were together for a long time that I got scared of the end of the road. I thought that maybe I was too young to settle down. I'm not too young. I want to be with you Andrew. I love you very much and I am in love with you. It was not my unhappiness with you that made things bad. It was my unhappiness with myself and me not being honest with you and my weight had a great part in it that I was not making myself do the best for me but blaming it on you and you had nothing to do with it. Look, I know this is chicken shit to write this to you instead of talking to you but I want you back and I miss you and I love you and I am too scared to come to your house of fearing that the rejection would devastate me more than I am now and more than I could bear. I miss your love and I miss loving you.
We had it good. We had something that was just awesome and never could be duplicated. Please find it in your heart to forgive me. There really isn't anything that has sparked this all of a sudden need to talk to you...it's just that all along I compared every man to you that I came in contact with since we parted. No one will and can measure up to you. Please call me.
I need and love you so much.
Love,
Sharon

Do You Yahoo!?
Talk to your friends online with Yahoo! Messenger. http://im.vahoo.com

The Definition of a Good Pair of Shoes

The Definition of a Good Pair of Shoes

A good pair of shoes knows your foot like a friend.
They know when to give and when to provide firm support.
They are there when you need them, and when you don't, they don't lose their shape.
They will go anywhere and perform any job; they won't squeak, won't blow out or
cause you to slip.

When they're new you might wear them with pride at inappropriate times.
You might not want to wear them at all, because you fear you'll mark them up.
When that first scuff or scratch mars the finish, you feel bad, you want to throw them away. They have lost half their value, and you start thinking of another pair.
But these good shoes are tough, a little polish and they're as good as new.
So you decide to keep them, after all there's a lot you've been through.
But you don't think as much about walking in the mud or the poop.
They can take it. That's their job, and they can always
be replaced....

So eventually, you get the urge to kick up your heels. 

And this good pair of shoes, they're not looking so good anymore. 

You go looking through catalogs and storefront windows, even thinking about 

Trying on some sporty looking, new stylish pair. 

You find one or two that you like and you slip your foot inside.

Their newness deceptively cushions the defects that cheap shoes sometimes hide.
They look good, they smell good, but you know in two weeks,
You'll have blisters, walk funny and have yet another pair of shoes in your closet, in your collection of impulsive purchases.
So you'll take out your old pair, the good ones that never let you down.
You hope the mold and dirt hasn't taken too great of a toll.
The fact that they are good shoes doesn't make them invulnerable to the ravages of improper care.

Alas, even good shoes may go bad if there is no one around to wear them.

Well, you can't bear to throw them out, but to keep them is also a pain, 

So you savagely use them for the dirty work and leave them in the rain. 

Too good to throw away, but now not good enough to be your shoes, 

Their good days behind them,

They still hang in there, waiting to be used.

A good pair of shoes, never fails you, no matter what you do.

The Lilac Minute

Re: Sunday Evening
From: Lilac20C@aol.com
To: dogboner@c-zone.net
Subject: Re: Sunday Evening
Date: Monday, December 27, 1999 19:32:21
Hi Andrew

Hope all is well. I liked your letter you definitely seem to be someone who is acquainted with himself and that is a good thing. - you know. Some people seemed to be more concerned with fitting in than with who they can become •

i am sorry to hear about huckleberry - perhaps its nothing serious I reallv hope so. Because I couldn't image if anything would happen to ray pets, they are my babies. I love them with all my heart.
Its amazing what they can do for you. Just a gesture or a look can turn a really bad day into a very good day. My girls make me smile with their unique personalities. While huckleberry may be a lump, Chloe is more like a streak of lightning she is so energetic and just a little love. Listen to me blah blah blah.

well, onto another subject - screen printing sounds very interesting - you must enjoy it. 1 have seen some beautiful pieces done in that media - quirky huh. Well, as for the theory of art being void - I think that what your uncle fails to realize is art is not in the creation but in its reaction. When one looks at a piece and feels something whether positive or negative - that’s where the art truly is. Listen to me, well I will get off of my soap box now onto his subject.

You are the first person I really write too like this - I think it is because I feel kindred spirit with you. Perhaps that's a good thing:o)

Its good chat you want to make the most of your education because that is another area in which we can grow and change. I love learning - I never liked it as a kid, but now as an adult. I feel I cannot get enough information. Perhaps because I have realized the real wealth in this world is knowledge and love. And anything else is just fleeting in our lives.

Perhaps you are a writer - you may not just know it yet for sure. Perhaps you are waiting to end your adventure before you begin the chronicles. I think you would be a good writer with your insight into the world.

I try to be understanding of those around me because I have come to the determination that if we all use a little kindness and manners perhaps we can change the world one person at a time - although I must say I do fall of my pedestal once in a while and let the world get to me - but after all I am only human.

Your cat sounds like he has lived quite a life - he was lucky enough to drift into the life of someone who cares for him.

That’s another thing that I feel directs our lives. We run into people who will change our lives all the time - sometimes we just aren't aware of it and loose some very good influences, but enough of my preaching for now.

Sorry to be so talkative, but I am in one of my purging moods. And I think you are very interesting although I think there is one thing we may have to 'discuss.

Yes, I am a tall woman but I am also heavy. So if this is an issue please let me know. Please don’t take offense but some people just think that what one looks like is all there is. Because underneath this padding is the soul of a really great person only the lucky ones have been blessed to see that.

So I will hopefully hear from you soon. I hope all goes well. And I will keep my fingers crossed for huckleberry.

The Ballad of the Cowgirl and her Chance Encounter with a Man in the Feed Store (and how it led her to place a personal ad in the News and Review) by The Man in the Feed Store

I'll bet you like horses, I'd say with a grin on my face,

To the tall, blonde haired beauty that I saw at the feed store buyin' grain.

You'd look at me with anger; 

Who is this stranger, 

What's he staring at me for?

Go away, little boy; 

I'm a big girl who's seen it all before.

So our first chance encounter would have ended up disastrously.
I'd have never known you were looking for someone like me.
I'd stumble and stutter; you'd buy the grain and walk out the door,
And I'd be left standing there in the aisle of the damn feed store.

So, disgusted with myself, I'd go home, watch TV and drink a beer,
Like so many nights, for so many sad lonely years.
After a few hours, I’d fall off to sleep on the couch,
Dreamin' about the Cowgirl at the feed store that I just can't live without.

And the days would come and the days would go

How to get that girl, well, I just don't know

I'd clean my house and buy new clothes

And do all the things that a man can do to let a woman know.

I'd bring you flowers and read you tender love poems,
If only I had the number to your telephone.
I'd look through the want ads, mainly to have a good laugh,
Cause love never comes from its pages, just girls who want cash.

But hope springs eternal, even for old hopeless fools like me.
I'd open up the paper, not ready for what I would see:
"6 foot 2, with eyes of blue,
Blonde haired Cowgirly, Is looking for you.

"She likes animals, dancing, four wheelin'
And some romance, too.
She wants a 5" 9' brown haired man with glasses,     
Last seen at the feed store, looking so dashing,

"Who’s conversation was lacking, but who looked so sincere,

Though she was in quiet a rush,

So she really couldn't spare the time to sit around and wait

For him to pick up his eyeballs off the floor and get his lines together,

And quit his droolin' 

(though he did look kind of cute with his tongue hangin' down to his boots). 

THAT man,

If it's you, can call my personal ad.

And I hope that you do."

So I called her personal ad,
And all my dreams came true.

Andrew Breakup Letter to Sharon (longwinded)

Well, I guess this is where it all started, isn't it? Email. There is no mystery or danger any longer, just communication between souls that have a hard time always saying what they mean. 

I don't really know why I'm writing to you now, just nostalgic, I guess, having a real hard time letting go.

I love you so much, and I know I will never stop even if that love means letting you go. You need to do what is best for you. Not be stuck in a relationship that doesn't satisfy you. Love cannot be forced on someone or faked by someone in return. 

I will never stop caring for you and will not go down the road of hating you, just to make the feelings disappear. They will never really disappear, because I am human and have a heart and mind that remembers all the good, and happy times we've had. 

I can't go around with regrets, I don't regret the time we've spent. I regret the bad things that have happened, maybe the fact that I didn't do more of the little things that would have shown you that I loved you. But I think you really, honestly, know that I do, and have, loved you. 

You think I took you for granted, or that I didn't really appreciate you. You think I just saw in you some girl, any girl, and that that was all I cared about. That I didn't love you for you. I loved all the things that you let me know about you.

I could have forgiven you anything from your past because the person that I knew you to be was different. A person can change. I would not have held the things in your past against you, if you were up front about them. 

You never trusted me enough to tell me some of this stuff because you probably thought I would think horrible things about you. The truth is I would have admired you for being honest and could have believed the best about you, that you were different from your past. 

I am different from my past. I was an immature teenager and an irresponsible adult. I’ve caused my share of hurt in people's lives. But when we started our relationship it was a clean slate for both of us. 

So a lot has happened and now we have to break up, because we are both not happy. You, because you want things out of life that I cannot currently provide, and me because I can't be with a woman who doesn't respect me. 

Although I tried to earn your respect and make you want to proud of me, in going to school, bettering myself, I guess things weren't up to your expectations, or didn't happen fast enough. And then there's the fact that I will never be a big, towering hulk of a man. So you probably would look upon me as inferior, no matter how smart or rich I was. 

The bottom line is, I didn't have what it takes. I just want you to know that I loved you, and really thought that you loved me. That we had something special. I know there were times of hostility, the usual couple fighting stuff. But the times of fun and love and sweetness were about 90% and the other stuff about 10% or less. But that was all with the assumption that we were both being honest with each other. If it wasn't 90% and 10% for you, I didn't know. 

I have so many good memories that will always be a part of me, that helped me to become the person I am today (hopefully better than the one I was). But I cannot help but be confused. Were ail these good things, the love and tender feelings we've shared not true? They were for me. 

I can't believe that there wasn't love between us, real love. And if it was real, what happened? Why did it have to end? What can really make love end? It can't. I still love you. I can't be with you right now, I can't respect what you've done. I hate the fact that I was lied to and used. 

But that doesn't change the fact that I still do love you. I will always care what happens to you, if you are happy and healthy. 

I can't make you love me, if you don't. I can't buy your respect. Or remake myself into the image of a 6'5" lumberjack. I am what I am. I don't apologize for being 5’9". 

I guess there's no point in saying "If I wasn't your ideal man, whatever did you see in me to stay with me for a year and a half?" You did, but you regret it, now you are free and I am sad. I thought I could make you happy, I didn't want to make you depressed. 

Just believing that you loved me made me so happy and started me down the path of being a better person. I didn't realize that I wasn't having the same effect on you. I wanted so much for it to be mutual. Sometimes it just can't be. 

When I think of all the little things, like blowing kisses on the radio, like the cuddling (when both of us are really into it), like all of our pet names for each other and how we both treat our animals as if they were our children, the fun things we've done, and the crazy things like camping out. swimming, barhopping (and field hopping) ... the fitness fad, the sicknesses we've endured, the laughter (even at my stupid jokes), our romantic times and even the day to day boring routine of cleaning up after horses, or just watching movies or doing some recreation to pass time like playing cards for nickles, I just can't picture myself doing it and having as good a time with anybody else. And I can't bear to think of it coming to an end. 

I think of you as my one true love in life, and I will never be able to replace you. Since I can't have you, your love and respect, I can't have what I want in life. Sometimes people can't get what they want. 

Maybe you will find what you want, maybe not. But I will not allow you to settle for me, if I am not what you want. I don't know how long it will take for you to be strong and face the possibility of being alone. I hope not too many more half-way relationships. It only hurts you and the other person. 

I don’t intend to preach to you, I just wish you would be truthful with yourself first, and with other people, including me. Its the only way we can be friends. Friendship is built on trust. Trust is given by faith, but if it is lost it has to be earned. When you tell the truth, even when it hurts you, it establishes trust.

Right now, we are at the very, very beginning point of the truth coming out. It hurts. Eventually, it can heal. If there is love, there can be trust again. Love is patient, and kind, and forgives all things. I don't say that I have perfect love, but if ever I've loved anyone in my life, I love you and wish you the best in all things. 

Even if your feelings aren't the same for me, I know I can't lie to myself and say that I don't love you when I do. I just can't be with you. I can't pretend that you are mine when you are not. I've said all I can say, and I can't make you stay. I must let you go, it's the only way. 

Maybe someday, when you've been hurt a time or two, you'll think of our love, and it won’t seem so boring. Maybe I’m kidding myself by being so sentimental, I really never knew you as well as I thought I did. Maybe we'll get to know each other better, and if we can stand one another, after being honest for a while, we'll have a chance at something real. 

I don't want to lose you. I just don't know how good of a friend I can be to put aside my own hurt and pride and be there for you unselfishly. I guess I really don't have a choice, I love you. I will be there for you in whatever way you need me to be. I will probably hold a candle for you till the day I die...silly me...but that's the way I am. 

We're broken up now, so you can see who you want, date who you want, be who you want. I want you to be happy in life, so be free but be wise, and take care. Remember, in all your relationships....honesty. 

You probably won't like having me for a friend, see how preachy I am? I can't help it, I just want the best for people, and they just want to screw their lives up. But being a friend means backing off and letting people make mistakes, not condemning them, but offering advice IF ASKED. 

So, I'll shut up now, I hope things go good for you and if you ever need someone to talk to I'll be there. Take care, sweetie.
Love,
andrew

Guilty Pleasure - I try to win Sharon back, textbook style

From: dogboner
To: Sharon Orrick
Subject: guilty pleasure
Date: Friday, May 14, 1999 09:48:07
 
Sorry, dear, but I couldn't help it, I need to join a self-help program for people who can't stop writing letters. I was online for a while gathering valuable information on pruning fruit trees, and la da da da blah blah blah. I couldn't get you off my mind. 

I admit it, I am obsessed. I will chill out, I'm sure when things become more stable. But as things stand right now, I am so antsy, so itchy, so up in the air, that I can't keep myself busy enough to stop thinking of you. 

Funny, huh? And you thought I took you for granted. God, Sharon, what kind of a spell did you put on me? I have only been broken up with you for 2 days, and I want you more now than I ever did. 

I am not writing to you because I am unable to talk to you face to face. It's just that here I am, thinking about you, and all these things are racing around in my brain wanting to come out. And you aren't here for me to tell you. If I wait until the next time I see you, maybe I'll forget, or get distracted and not have it all come out as clearly. 

Plus, I admit, it is a guilty pleasure. I like to write to you. It is a way of getting things out, and communicating with you when you are not there. I also like to get emails from you. I don't expect books, like the kind I've been writing you lately. It's just nice to hear from you, how you are doing. La la la, blah blah. 

Let me get to the point:
 
I. How would you feel about not breaking up?

 
   a) Things would be different:

      1) You need more space, breathing room.

      2) I need to expand my outside activities. 

      3) We would spend only QUALITY time. 

      4) I would not hinder any of the self-improvement excercises you have going (ie. no pizza binges)

      5) We would both be entirely honest with each other.

      6) We can start over with trust and respect for each other.

      7) PASSIONATE KISSES

   b) I have already forgiven you for everything.

   c) I love you and must have you. 

   d) You are the only woman for me, I will never, ever love anyone like I love you.
 
   e) Mother is NOT always right. 

   f) We can work on our problems together, and help each other. 

   g) We aren't getting any younger. 

   h) No one knows me and understands me like you do. 

   i) I can usually talk you down when you get really out there and get irrational.
 
   j) We both want the same things: love, the good life, kids, nice stuff, fun and adventure, animals.
 

II. So, what do you think?
 

   a) No pressure. 

   b) Think about it.

  

III. I am not wimping out, I just want you back, I know what I want out of life, and you are my one true love. (ref. section I, subpoints c & d)

 
IV. Do I sound desperate?

 
V. Could you love a man like me?
 
   a) I am a weirdo.
 
   b) I am short, bald and have a hairy back.
 
   c) I would never lie, cheat or do anything to hurt you in any way.
 
   d) I would work hard to make a good life for us and provide for our (future) family.
 
   e) I would stand behind you and support you, and never stand in the way of your dreams and goals or keep you from having fun.
 
   f) I would smile a lot and do my best to make you laugh and cheer you up when you are down.
 
   g) I would shower you with affection and little reminders of my love for you.
 
   h) I would love you with all my heart.

 
VI. Silly me
 
Well, I hope I have made my point. I don't know if I could be as precise in person, but I'll certainly give it a try maybe I'll just take a few notes. And oh, yes, eye contact and make a few jokes to lighten up the speech. Yeah, that's the ticket. 

Sorry, hon, but I do feel better now. Just had to jot down a few thoughts and share them with you. Hope I didn't bore you with too many details. See ya soon.
 
Love,
 
Andrew
 

Email from when Sharon and I broke up briefly in 1999

From: dogboner
To: Sharon Orrick
Subject: good for you, girl
Date: Friday, May 14, 1999 02:10:47

Dear Sharon,
 
I hope that you do what is right for you, and that you will stay true to your truest feelings at all times. I know you that your problem revolves around a co-dependency issue; you've never been alone for any length of time. But alone is not so bad; it gives you time to discover what you really are, what you feel,
and what makes you happy. 

People in relationships have to have something to bring, of their own, to the relationship. When two people are focused only on each other, they become stagnant, and lose touch with reality. For instance, my lack of outside interests, has made me an isolated, and boring person. I spent all my time and energy focused on you, and lost myself in the process. 

I was a person (not necessarily the most responsible or intelligent) who had a life (kind of lonely, and dysfunctional) and thoughts of my own. Ok, I'm not a good example. But I did have things that used to make me happy (ok, they were stupid things like playing music over the cb and thinking I was a local celebrity).

I look back at the things that I used to do and wonder "who was that guy?" I have changed. I am in the process of changing. I need to find out what is important to me in life, what I am interested in, what I am about. 

For the last year and a half I have been about you. And I have let the other aspects of my personality
that used to mean something to me die. Some of them were elements of my immature  teenage lifestyle, and they needed to die. 

Being with you made me grow up and start taking things more seriously. I gained something but I lost something as well. We all need to have our own space, inside our heads, that is us, not someone's expectation or ideal. I have tried to live up to your ideal, but I never left very much time or energy for what I was about. 

The thing is, I have never been so happy, felt so complete as when I was with you. When we were together, even on our most ho-hum days, I look back on them and they were the best days of my life. I can't kid myself, and tell myself that I'd be better off without you. 

I am constantly reminded of you (and it hasn't been very long since we've been apart) by songs "Your just too good to be true, can't keep my eyes off you..." and "I only have eyes for you," and I go to pieces. 

I was reminded of Monterey, by something on TV, and I was back there with you. Remembering driving on the coast, into the sunset. How romantic it was, how we were still together. How much I miss you and need your love. 

I thought I was stronger than this. I think about the things you did and try to convince myself that I am better off without you. But all I really want is to hold you and have you with me forever. The way I thought we used to be. 

I was in my own little dream world, I guess, but you were there in my dream. You were my dream. I had a harsh awakening when you decided that you would seek a way out of the relationship. I didn't want to let you go. I couldn't believe you could want someone else. I guess I was a fool, who was just too in love to want to believe it. 

I know that you did what you did, because you have a problem, and this problem is not my fault. I could be the greatest guy in the world (I am not) and you would still have this problem. 

You need to take care of your own heart and mind, try to get tuned in to what's real, leave aside relationships for a while and focus on your own life. You can't find happiness with someone else, if you are not happy with who you are. 

I know what is best for you, and although it doesn't make me happy to be without the love of my life, it is for the best. I think you need to do as your parents say, lose the weight, stay out of chat rooms and away from the personal ads. 

Keep your horses, and stay focused on them. They are the key to your sanity. They are what you are really about. When I met you they were the center of your life, and they were what made you who you
were. 

It was very romantic for me, when we first met, to see you going about your horse business. It was fascinating for me to see a girl who was capable of dealing with these big, powerful animals. To be able to be a part of your life, you the capable cowgirl, was thrilling for me. 

Sure, I was green, and you've had to show me everything, so that I wouldn't get myself killed, or ruin your training. But now, much of what you've shown me seems like second nature. 

Your horses are one of the things that make you an interesting and special person. Don't let your priorities get so far out of whack that you forget who you are and what you are really about. 

If you will always promise to be truthful with me, I will always be your friend. I can't say what will happen in the future, but for now we need to spend some time apart. If there is really love there it will stand the test of time. If there isn't then the pain of breaking up will only be temporary. Only time will tell. 

I won't be reading your email, or checking up on you. You are your own person, and owe me nothing. If time and fate bring us together again, perhaps we could start afresh, and be kind to one another again. 

I have some growing up to ao, too. I need to be my own person first, and have my own life and priorities in order. I need to take care of No. 1 (and clean up the No. 2) .

I will carry about with me forever the good times that we have shared. I will put the bad things in the past, and hopefully they will fade into the distance, as they already have for me. I am without anger, I
am left only with the memories of us, and miss you very much. 

Be good, I will never be far away.
 
Love,
 
Andrew
 

I need a woman (1997)

I need a woman

A dog won’t do

I’d prefer one without scabs, or crabs or saggy, baggy,

Bags of flab

Although, a beer belly would be ok

In the winter

Now, I can’t afford

To pay for this woman

All at once or a little at a time

I don’t want a loaner

I will work for my woman

If she’ll work for me

Together we’ll be a team

Not some leaching

Parasitic horrible thing

Sucking on my sac long after the

Pleasure has gone from it

She should stop out of consideration for my

Rod, lest it break and the piston

No longer do its natural born thing

Up in the cylinder, and start to scrape

In an unpleasant manner and the monkey

Starts screaming and beating himself about the

Head and neck—then she could

Gingerly begin stimulating the instrument

Bringing it up to speed, warming up the components

Gradually     OOeuHH

Andrew Letter 7 -- the state of affairs in Chico at 180-1/2 E. 8th Ave. circa 1997

MEMORANDUM

 

TO: Mominator, momski, the big "M"

FROM: Andrew, Droody, Hoody alias Dogbone aka "the weirdo"

SUBJECT: The state of affairs in Chico, Northern Cal

 

Hi, hello. Howzit goin'? I suppose Steve, that old bag of farts, is there and reading over your shoulder right now, so I'll be brief. And cryptic. And sarcastic. I'll try not to ramble, but you know I seldom get on one of these things (typewriter) so JHGFJHFG 

Hey, who left that pile of gibberish right in the middle of the page, how rude, well, where was I?

Oh, OK. Yeah, well, um, things are fine. For now. I guess. I don't know.

I have talked to my landlord, and he says he doesn't have any news about the building but that when his other project is completed and the county is done inspecting it, then it will be "party time." However, if my building is red tagged, I am out. But he doesn't have any other plans for the building, blah, blah, etc.

I have checked into the real estate market in Chico, talked to agents, mortgage brokers and homeowners and looked at quite a few houses. With backyards, and detached garages and bathrooms and kitchens, the works. There is a lot out there in the 75,000 to 85,000 range. I have determined that I cannot afford anything higher and that I really cannot afford that without getting a roommate to defray some of the costs.

The ideal thing would be like, a girlfriend who had a killer job and could afford to pay half ... and I'd like to eat ice cream sandwiches on the moon, too.

I have been in a prolonged period of disinterest of the opposite sex and relationships and activities in general. I work 25 hours a week at the Camcorder Repair place, do the occasional screenprinting ~ in my spare time, walk the dog, talk on the radio, listen to the scanner, watch TV, drink beer and on the weekends rent about ten videos. I have grown fat and lazy, and that is the story of my no girlfriend, no success, no money situation.

I like my life as it is. Too much change makes me nervous. I am the epitome of status quo, with the occasional tendency to drift downstream. I'd like to live upstream, but I don't want to move my tail vigorously enough to make the trip. I am like a big fat lazy salmon saying, "Ho hum, I wish that helicopter would come and drop me off over yonder, upriver." But at least I'm not a fuckin' bum. That bothers me. Fuckin' bums. No responsibility, crack smokin', no job, probably resort to stealing, kind of bums. But who's to say what different circumstances might have done to me. 

Please excuse this sorry-assed excuse for a letter, just getting bitter is all. You know, this paper here is a piece of crap. It didn't want to go in. I had to force it, and ram it, and it was a pretty lame piece of paper to begin with. It was on the bottom of a bunch of other papers, and it was the last piece of blank paper, so I had to use it. It was wrinkly, dog-eared and thin, you know, inferior paper. 

But the situation being what it is with trees and the environment and all, I should be grateful to have this paper at all, and should stop wasting resources by denigrating it. I can't help it. I have low self-esteem, so I pick on things which I deem to be of even lower worth than myself. Is anyone keeping track? Are all of my shortcomings being tallied up, and just what is the penalty for abusing a piece of paper?

 ... well, that was pointless and yet boring. 

I had to stop and take time out of writing to answer the phone. It was a potential customer, so I gave her a quote. Three quotes as a matter of fact, in case the first two didn't work out for her. For free, cause that's the kind of guy I am. I did some big election signs just recently, and they turned out pretty nice.

The guy who ordered them even tipped me $15 because he was so happy with them. I think he'd never seen screenprinting before. They did look nice, though, all red, white and blue with big bold letters saying "Elect Bev Payne -- Assessor." 

That was labor day week-end. Hence, the name "labor" day. I like working. I hate getting started, but once into it, I enjoy doing it, until I run into problems, then I cuss and throw things. The key is to keep the windows shut and throw unimportant objects at other unimportant objects, and then no one's the wiser. My stinginess works against my destructive tendencies to my advantage. 

Well, enough pop psychology, I have to get crackin'. Get these videos back to the store before they turn into pumpkins. If you have any videos you could recommend, I am at that stage where I have rented everything with a slick looking cover and am moving on to other criteria: plot, actors, cinematography, etc. 

I think video stores should have memberships with unlimited access for a nominal fee. As it is, I frequent multiple stores because it gets embarrassing seeing the same clerk 5 weeks in a row. I always rent the 4 for $4 or 5 for $5, and since this is my only form of paid entertainment (I don't even have cable) it is justifiable. It's sick, but justifiable. 

So, anyway, I'm fine, holding out behind this stump here, hoping the currents don't force me downstream, or force me to try to swim upstream anytime too soon. I like this stump, the rent is low, who knows how long it will last. I appreciate your being there for me and offering to help when things looked bad.

I really need to get on my feet a bit more, though, before I can seriously consider house payments of $650 to $750 per month. Or find a housemate that is compatible with my lifestyle, perhaps on the moon ... anywhee, got to go, paper's low. 

Talk to ya soon, love and all the best, C-Ya, Bye ....

Andrew

P.S.

La la la la ...

A House Is Not A Home (date approximate)

A house is not a home

When you're living all alone

'Cept for a dog and a cat

 

A dog is not a dog

Without his bitch

A cat is not a cat

Without her claws in something

                                   something

 

So ya wanna be a bum?

And have some fun?
Or try and do the same old trick

And be bloodsucked by a tick

                                   that'll never

                                                ever go AWAY

 

___________________________________

 

GEE, DO YA

THINK I'M MENTAL OR WHUT?

SO ANYWAY -- TAKE IT -- I GOT NOTHING

                                              NOTHING 

 

 

 

Waiting For A Basket (date approximate)

I'm waiting for a basket

And I can't get down

My portable housing

Won't get me around

 

Now I know what you're thinkin'

That I'm some kind of bum

Cuzz I sleep in elevators

That just don't run

 

I used to see places and

Faces and people and things

Sutures and scriptures and bitches in 

Ditches and fishes with itches

Now I'm waiting for a basket

 

A basket, a basket

I only dare to ask it

I placed my hopes and dreams

Inside and thought it would protect it

I carried my eggs to town in it

And some dumb fucker smashed it

 

Now I'm lookin' for a new basket

 

 

 

 

 

 

*This song was written during the time I was working at H&H TV and VCR Repair in Chico. I was a receptionist, but I also did minor repairs and cleanings of VCRs. 

 

The basket is the transport mechanism behind the little door in the front of the VCR into which one inserts the video cassette. These mechanisms would rarely fail on their own, but if a tape got stuck and person was desperate to get it out, they might resort to prying it out with a butter knife. 

 

This would happen in cases of porno tapes getting jammed because people would pause them on certain spots for so long that the tape would wear away and gum up the rollers, or get wrapped around the video head drum due to overheating. In these cases, the repair would usually get approved even though the cost of a new basket alone might exceed the value of the unit. But secrets had to be kept, so we provided the service with discretion. 

 

When a new part was ordered, I would place a bit of masking tape on the VCR, and it would sit on a shelf awaiting its arrival. The title of the song comes from a piece of tape on a VCR labeled "Waiting for a basket."

 

Everything has a back story, and now you know the one behind this little obscure piece of historical trivia.

Shower Dynamics (1995)

The 1^st Principal of Shower Dynamics as applied to showering bodies in a 9 to 5 configuration:

If you intend to shower from 9 to 5 you can (and do) generate phone calls and appointments with up to 99.9% certainty—simply by removing your clothing, stepping into the hot (or mild whatever the temp of your choice) water and lathering up.

At this point, the phone will almost always certainly ring, or someone will come to the door—or both. The dog will bark, you will cuss, and the birds will sing, and bells will ring.

The only possibility of this not occurring would be in the event that one were actually trying to prove this theorem by generating heretofore unexpected phone calls. Persons of this caliber are fools, basing many of life’s decisions on the spurious divinations of hairballs, potato entrails and other random chance erosion/sediment patterns.

Songs written by the window of 180-1/2 E. 8th Ave, across the street from Quest Diagnostics in Chico(1995)

Songs Written by the Window

Well I’m old and I wear a hat

And I carry a pack

And I drive the company truck

Wearing flannel overcoats and the like

Now I’m drivin’ away

A young lady in a small red car

Make that a middle age wreck

The woman not the car

Lookin’ like heck and

Frantically digging in her purse

And tripping in her highly

Inappropriate heels

Fine young grunge princess

Disappeared behind the bushes

I wonder where she went?

Will I see her again?

More on this as it unfolds

Maintenance contractor, union type

Gets out of the rig that’s

Blocking my view—what’s he

Gonna do?

Old people, young people

Waiting for their urine tests

Waiting for the word on their pee

Did I pass? Did I? I sure

Hope the bum I bought the

Piss from didn’t lie to me

Just to take my money—oh, well

Well, I’m waiting? What’s the news

On my juice?

Andrew Letter 48 -- The Huckleberry Report

 
 

Wuhll Howdy, Momster,

Shucks, hi-are-yi-doin? 

Sunday rnernin 'bout 7am an' I is feelin' verbose. Mah dawg is watchin' Gardening Naturally. He prefers the O.J. Simpson proceedings (boring legal jargon puts him right to sleep). I am secretly training him in his sleep with old Lassie, Flipper and Scooby-Doo episodes--anything with good human/animal role models. Absolutely no Police Dog or Ninja Pups with gratuitous barking. Steven King is right out.

I tell ya it's eternal vigilance ya gotta have with these kids. He's a feisty little toddler, but I'm breaking him. A little psych­ology, a little reasoning--talking him through it like a director (sit-good-perfect-fabulous-hold it--- no, no, no -- it's all wrong­, take it from the top, etc). Gettin' a picture, yet?

Yeah, but he loves me. He won't never catch a rabbit, but that's OK cause he's good enough, smart enough and doggonit -- people like him. Especially little kids. He licks their little faces, whereas he bites my scraggly old beard (still looking for a teat somewhere in there).

Whoa--gotta GO. 

Little tyke was getting restless. I gotta get him on an independent study program, 'stead of this Mr. Constant Attention Required.

But he's a regular Gomer Pile, or uh, Forrest Dump. He does his most prodigious work outdoors, thank God. He's had his first worms and his first fleas. Oh boy, what's next? His first psychoanalysis? His first double homicide? Aw, heck, I can feel a nap corning on...

And the days and weeks whirred by like daises, like birds, and the spring came with its lengthening of days and balmy nights. And there was music, and bells -- but I never heard them ringing. No, I never heard them at all -- and there was Huck.

Old sad, droopy-eyed, mutton-jowled, hang-dog shuckle-burnpkin. He's got Willie Nelson Ears. He's my buddy. Did I mention that he loves me? He shore does. He's always trying to make eye contact with me, just for reassurance. Now, who will reassure me?

I seem to have faith these days, or is it blissful ignorance? Wutcha gonna do when the well run dry? Get a haircut and get a real job? I dunno. I'd a hundred times rather be just making it and be my own boss than be working for someone else eight hours a day, day in day out. Especially with today's corporate streamlining, downsizing and layoffs of long-term employees nearing retirement age, blah, blah, blah ...

The world is starting to suck for a large number of people. Or has it always sucked? Is sucking intrinsic to the world? Is the balance of sucking shifting out of our favor? For whom doesn't it suck and why? Is it just a state of mind?

Do we need drugs? Or guns? Or bombs, or what? Is the answer to just live quietly, ignoring it all, or is that just postponing the inevitable? We've got hate groups race riots, people poisoning Tylenol ... are we headed for Armageddon? Live, breaking news -- The End of the World -- we'll show it to you right after these messages.

Thus endeth the ravings of one Andrew P. Golding this day, Monday 9am 4-24-95.

OK, it looks like I’m a little late getting this bulletin out. No new news. See ya when I see ya.

 

Love,

Andrew