A dream Sharon made me write down (2010)

Sitting in bed, in a big warehouse with big picture windows. Outside were a lot of pine trees.

I was making labels and telling off a doctor about how they are not trying to figure out my problem. Except Dr. Gilkes, who ordered antibiotics. Urine tests that came back with blood in them were ignored by the doctors.

"You guys don't give a shit. If you did, you'd say 'Oh, my god this is a horrible situation. A 37 year old woman with all these problems.' You just want to slap a label on it and be done."

Journal entry for May 30, 2010 (Grass this green, you'll never see)

I'm living my life for a moment
That never ever arrives
There's nothing I can say or do
To make my dreams come true

And nothing you can do or say
Will make this pain go away
So I say hiding's good if I could
Just lie here and things would catch on fire

Nothing left of me or anything else
And nothing left for us to try to tell ourselves
I can't be, I cant ever be
Without you, don't you see?

I'm not me, not really me
Without you next to me
Life goes on, mow the lawn
Grass this green, you'll never see

And I can't smile or
Do much of anything for you at all
Makes me wonder what it's all here for
What the hell are we all here for?

The Liberation of Boopie

Our day actually began the day before with the home health nurse installing the foley catheter so Sharon could make this long trip. A nurse came out earlier in the day and installed one, but it got pulled while she was sliding to the potty chair and was causing her pain.So we took it out and we called them out to put a new one later that night and that one was ok. The next morning had Sharon waking up at 3 and me at 4 to get ready for the big day. A transport company was to arrive at 5:30 to take us to the IR for her venogram/procedure. They arrived at 4:45 and we were nowhere near ready. She couldn't make the transfer from the manual chair to the power chair. So we brought in the local fire dept by calling 911 so she wouldn't wind up on the floor. It is called a lift assist or something like that. Four big beefy boys came out and 2 of them lifted her by her legs and shoulders and got her into her chair so we could make the appointment. Her arms are sore from it still. This time the transport company driver didn't get us lost or make her airsick (hork) with their lame driving.

So we arrive at the IR without any further incident. She is taken into Radiology at 8 and given a neuro exam (pricking with paperclips from head to toe.) She had very little feeling from her knees down. They start an IV with mild sedation. At 9 she is taken into Radiology. They prepped her groin area, and set up their dropcloths and then she fell asleep. At one point she woke up and felt the doctors hand pushing on her groin. She didn' t feel anything else during the probing or the contrast injection and was asleep for this. When she next woke up the balloon was in her right jugular and she spoke up "HEY". The doc then ordered the nurse to give her more drugs and she was back out in a second. When she awoke the third time she says she hallucinated a bunch of bikini models in the corner of the operating room. She had no idea where she was, there was an X-Ray machine in front of her and the probe was still in her vein. The doctor removed the probe and the machine and they were done. It was around 12. After recouperating for an hour or so and getting some fluid and graham crackers we spoke to the doctor about the procedure. He said her left IJV and Azygos looked fine but there was narrowing in the right (which is smaller than the left) IJV. He said the flow was barely trickling on that side. There were 2 collaterals which were as big as the vein itself. He ballooned several spots to increase the the diameter. He was satisfied that normal flow was restored after this was done and the vein held up at least for as long as he was in there watching it. I asked the doctor if he wanted me to keep his name off the internet and he said "PLEASE". He doesn't want to be innundated and get a lot of attention for what he is doing. He said, however, that he spoke with his head neurologist about CCSVI and she said that if she had MS she would get scanned and angioed in a hot second. He said they know that this stuff is all over the internet and the lid can't be kept on it forever. Right now we are just at the beginning. We are just the 3rd MS patient he has done this procedure for. He did say that he didn't think this procedure was risky at all with just the angio and that he would wait on stenting any veins to see if A) the procedure had any positive effects B) a relapse of symptoms and restenosis occurred. So did she come flying off the table singing an operetta? Nah, she was too wasted on the "conscious sedation" they gave her. In recovery she was pretty tired but came back around after the drugs started wearing off and was quite talkative. Her neck was a little sore, but her arm hurt worse from the firemen. She said her legs and feet didn't hurt nearly as much as before. From a 4 on the pain scale to a 3 or a 2. All in all it wasn't too bad of an experience for her. Her last dentist appointment was probably more painful. But then we got home and in trying to transfer onto the manual wheelchair to the power chair once again she wound up on the floor. (Two days ago a home medical equipment company delivered a Hoyer lift, but it won't work with the power chair because the base is too narrow to accomodate her power chair...) We employed the Hoyer lift (still waiting to be returned) and lifted her off the floor and onto the manual chair and off to bed she went. Even though she fell (she was exhausted) the time on the floor and the amount of freaking out was at a minimum as compared to other floor events. While in bed she experimented by laying her bed down flat. She hasn't been able to do this for years without experiencing vertigo and nausea. She tried it and felt fine! She said she could tell something is different. I can't wait to see what tomorrow will bring after she has had a good nights sleep.

later

Well, she awoke from her nap of an hour or so and said that her vision has improved slightly and that "things seem clearer". She is not having to strain to see the computer. Just tilting her head back before would make her dizzy now she says it is no problem. Her left hand also feels stronger. Makes sense, right? Right brain, right vein -- left side of the body. I feel like I am watching a little baby seed about to sprout can't wait for it to hurry up and become a tree. And start flying around singing opera. But as of right now she says "I do feel better". I guess someone is going to lose that bet!

list of improvements: (day 1 and part of day 2)

more feeling in fingertips
more feeling in legs (can pass the paper clip test now)
better strength in left hand
improved vision
easier to transfer to potty chair
fatigue is less
arm strength is better -- able to lift self on potty chair (pushups) with arm strength only
voice quality is stronger
feels a lot more clearheaded
oh, and get this--she took a hot shower for the first time in 5 years and it felt great--she didn't even notice that the water was nice and hot!
transferring back to the bed from the shower chair was easier
breathing feels less labored -- hasn't felt the need for the O2
no vertigo when leaning head backward or lying flat
freakout mode not happening when feet are on the floor
standing while holding self on wheelchair for 30 sec without 02 (pre procedure was 15 sec w/out O2 and 30 sec with O2)

areas still of concern:

still having issues with bladder -- peed bed during the night LOTS of urine
some double vision when turning head
right leg twitched a bit during the night
feet still turn purple when on the floor, but not as painful
still falling, leg and ankle muscles atrophied and need rehab



It's a nice day outside, we might see about getting her into her power chair and going for a cruise around the property. More on this later.

Ok, it's later. I can see that this is going to take time or we will be in for serious setbacks. We tried unsuccessfully to get her into her power chair. The floor. Again. This time no Hoyer lift (they came and took it back this morning). So we placed a sheet under her and she scooted all the way back to the bedroom on her butt. Once there after resting and O2 we did our famous "get a leg up" procedure and kind of rolled her onto the bed. This is a person who has been doing not much of anything but bedrest for 2 years. She has no calf muscles or ankle muscles. We need some very gradual strength building exercises that she can do in bed to get her back to being able to get into that power chair. It is a very difficult transfer for her. Until then, we have a new Hoyer lift coming with better accessiblity. She is now recovering in bed, and her recoup time is less than previous floor routines. We need to keep her off the floor so I guess I will have to be the voice of reason when she thinks about trying stuff that is still too difficult. At least she wasn't on any blood thinners so she won't bruise up or bleed. It is just so sad to see her try so hard and still wind up on that floor and be unable to do much of anything to stop it once it starts to go south.


I don't want to eat my words so we are just taking it as it comes and making notes on what is and isn't happening. Despite the setbacks I still have to say we are both glad we did this. People: never, ever give up. Even if it is just a little bit of an improvement it is worth doing. She has a lot of rehab to do, but maybe now we can start to go the other direction (while staying off the floor).

Emptiness

This should go in 2010. It was a draft for years and then I looked at it and the date changed.
________________________________________________________________________________

Who am I kidding? To be empty you have to at least have the capacity to be full of something -- I suppose being full of shit counts for that then. But seriously...I have this impending sense of doom and an uneasy feeling of "do I even exist?" In the next few days Sharon (still my wife) is going in for angioplasty to correct her CCSVI at _______ hospital. I was so full of excitement in the weeks leading up to this. Partly because I will be taking vacation time, but mostly because I so long to see a turning point toward her recovery. Now, as the day approaches, I have nothing but a numb feeling of fearfulness.

Part of it could be all the crazy things she has said to me in the past few months. The whole Charlie thing. The whole "if I get better, I'm leaving you behind" thing. The whole "you're an asshole and I can't get far enough away from you...oh, by the way you're neglecting _____ ." I guess that's not emptiness, that's anger at feeling mistreated and under-appreciated.

Oh, and she found out about this blog so anything I say, I may as well say to her face. It's just that I hate confrontations. And yet I am no good at hiding my "empty" feeling. She'll catch on and ask me what is up.

I read your email, that's what.

The whole Charlie thing. The "I love you's", the dirty talk, the same Josh Turner song she emailed to me, she emails to him. I feel like whatever it is that she says to me she is also saying to him. Only, except the negative stuff. That she reserves for me alone. How lucky I am. 

One part of me is the understanding guy that says "yeah, she has a pretty lonely life and wants to have attention," which this guy gives her by way of emails and phone calls (when I'm not home). I should be the bigger man and ignore it because certainly this 70 year old MARRIED man in Minnesota is not a threat. 

Except that he is... He is feeding her all kinds of bullshit about how he loves her and will care for her (yeah, what about your CURRENT wife?) He has promised to buy a ranch and move her out there, and he wishes he could hold her and kiss her and lay there next to her and on and on...

And she is enjoying it, as is evident by her responses to his emails. If she were not disabled and in dire need of help, I think I would be more likely to make it a big issue, like, "choose bitch." But when I hear some of the things she says to me when she is PMSing, constipated or having an exacerbation, well, I know that she is not in her right mind.

I get to feeling so bad, either way. If she is so messed up that she thinks this guy is something, I have such sadness and pity for that. And if I am so fucked up that she thinks this guy worth risking our marriage over, then I am also saddened by this. Am I truly worth that little to her?  

I don't think that just because a person is physically unable to leave a relationship, that they can't have checked out already. 

I hate what our life has become. I can do chores, I can do projects, I can do the work week, I can even do the nursing duties and even enjoy some of these things, because I feel needed. I feel like I can't be doing wrong, when all I'm doing is good and necessary. 

I just can't stand the thought of her carrying on with this guy and getting all titillated by this ex-boyfriend who can't let go of a memory. I can't hide my feelings very well and this is eating me up.

Plants need sunlight, water, soil and room to grow. But if they have all these things they are not yet guaranteed to be healthy and happy. They could be lacking some micro-nutrient or have some unwanted pest that eats them up.

My Boopie plant is withering.

When she revives she can be a prickly rose or a tender blossom. I never know which I am going to get.

I am most assuredly to blame, as I am not providing her with some vital element that she needs. Else, what would she see in this F'ing aging bullshit artist.

Last night we tried for more than an hour to untangle her hair and wound up cutting it and still not getting all the tangles out. She wants to shave her head. I know she will regret it if she does.

In the weeks ahead, post surgery, much may or may not happen. I have a dream of her coming out of it on the operating table and everything being rectified like some fairy tale happy ending. Like a dream, she will arise from the table, rip off the hospital gown, and be wearing her wedding dress. 

She will swing her legs down on the floor like nothing and say "let's get out of here." And we will go to Fort Bragg or Half Moon Bay and walk on the beach as we did before. And this is when I get all choked up.

Ah, not emptiness...just terrible sadness.

Robot Song

Since it rained, since it rained the Robot

Got left outside the shed

Got left outside the shed

Thought it was once ingrained inside my head

Despite of what you said, he got

Left outside the shed

Now his wheels are rusty

Since it snowed, since it snowed the Robot

Got left out in the cold, got left out in the cold

His arms no longer fold

And his batteries are old

I never cared much, truth be told

Despite of how you scold

And how you never trust me

In the spring, in the spring the flowers

Burst through the Robot’s head

His legs, made out of lead

Sink in the flower bed

And I wake up, I wake up, I get out of my bed

Put the Robot in the shed

Put the Robot in the shed

And you say you love me

A Barn, an MRV, Oxygen and a Blow-off Valve

So, this is 2010. I am still alive and married. My wife still has MS and all its craziness. She has moments of clarity and moments of being a "raging cow" (her phrase, coined in a "moment of clarity"). Most of the time she is somewhere in the middle.

As for me, I have a blow off valve which is like this: mostly I curse under my breath, and it keeps me from saying the things out loud that I would say if I didn't relieve the pressure/stress. It is the "evil caregiver" in me that makes me cuss. I have to harness all my superman powers to not get so angry at the MS for stealing my wife's brain that I punch holes in the walls. For her I put on the "yes, honey" routine, so, in that sense, the superman business is an act. In the sense of my daily routine, it's just that, a daily routine. The routine involves me doing everything and watching my wife slowly slip away.

So, we are putting a barn up on our property in hopes to get some animals. My wife loves horses and hopes to one day have one or two. It is so ironic that we moved to this place 2 years ago so we could have animals, and then my wife's health deteriorated so rapidly that now she barely makes it out of bed in a day. Anyway, the barn foundation is costing us a fortune and is going to be so well built that it will be a shame to put up our pipe panel mare motel on it. It deserves a 3 story big 'ol metal building. But we will have animals even if I wind up doing all their care and maintenance.

Yesterday after a shower she couldn't make it back into bed and fell onto the floor while transferring from the shower chair to the bed. I get so frustrated watching her on the floor crying. A family friend who is a retired doctor let us borrow an oxygen generator. While she was on the floor (I cannot lift her up, she weighs 300 lbs) I gave her the O2. It revived her enough to get on her knees and then up onto the bed. It seems that all her problems stem from a lack of brain oxygen.

So she had an MRV at UC Davis, and the doctor found a narrowed right jugular vein and a larger than normal left jugular vein with collaterals. The doppler scan showed very little flow on the right side. She has an appointment for an angioplasty some time in mid-April. By my birthday we will know if this whole CCSVI thing holds any water. Keeping my fingers and all other appendages crossed....Stay tuned.

Journal entry for _______ (some time in 2010 "Maybe")

Maybe if I poke, my eye
With a screwdriver I might get to the root of it
Somewhere in my mind--oh
Maybe

The After Christmas Blahs

Who gives a fuck?

PMS, More Talk of Divorce, More Tears

I don't think I can handle my situation anymore. My wife says she hates me all the time and has nothing but mean things to say to me. She says she wants to leave, she wishes she never married me, and she has nothing but contempt for the person I am. She says if I don't become a completely different person, she will continue to hate me and plan her escape. She said to research online how to be a husband. 

I had to miss work today. It got late because we were arguing about an argument we had last night in which she said that all day long she sits there in bed and just hates me. 

I give up. I am not inhuman. She says I am not a man, that I am soulless and don't do anything for her. Although nothing I did triggered this round, it is the stuff that I have neglected or been too busy to do that she is bitching about now. And she attaches all kinds of mean statements to anything she says, to where I can't address the real problem, and I have to confront all the mean things she is saying. And to do this is arguing, which is a no-no. 

So, all I get is a wife who thinks I am a jerk, even though my life is devoted to trying to take care of her the best I can. I wake up and empty her commode, I make her breakfast, help her in the shower, make her bed, do her laundry and do any little thing that she asks. I don't make a fuss or get upset that I have to do this, it has become my life to just take care of her. 

She absolutely does not think that anything I do is worth a damn and tells me every day. She says she'd be out F***ing someone, anyone else if she were not disabled. She tells me these things knowing that it will hurt me and then tells me to be a man. I don't know what kind of man is expected to take all this abuse from someone who they love and care for. 

I know she is not OK. Her MS has fucked up her body, and now it is going after her mind. I can love her for the person I thought she was when I married her, but she tells me she hates the person she married and has nothing but regrets. 

Divorce is horrible, and I don't want it. It doesn't solve anything, it is just 2 people giving up. I don't want to give up, it's just that I don't know if there is anything to save. How do you stay married when the person you are married to hates you and everything that you are? Anyone reading this? Didn't think so...

Enjoy the New Me, Bitches

I can't not be agitated as I sit here and wait for work and think about stuff that pisses me off. I get to work before the gate opens and people who stroll in late get the good work passed to them.

Ok, here's exactly what happened. I, and 3 other techs were out in the shop and waiting for the intercom to page someone to get the one job that came in. I was closest to the door, so I made a mock sprint to be first. When the others fell back I said, "No--let's all go,"and I held the door open for the other two. Well, the service adviser gives the job to the first guy through the door. No "thank you Sparky D" no offer to flip a coin or something. He just takes the work (a major service) and the service advisers laugh at how I got punked. I can sit here and do nothing, I can sit here and be hateful or I can sit here and think of happy thoughts. (Yeah, fucking right.)

Only there aren't many. I passed my ASE's. Whoopie. I still sit here with no work. My wife apologized to me for yesterday's latest session of keeping alive the Thanksgiving Day Giblet Blowout. I think she realizes that it is tearing me down too much and there won't be much left if she keeps going. I have stopped acting up around her, I know she can't take it.

So here's my new plan, which I came up with in response to David's taking my work and my role in letting that happen. I am going to be nicer to my wife and fuck everybody else. I can't care what the world or the little old lady in front of me are doing. I have to be as greedy and selfish as possible and screw the next guy. "Lesson learned." So, enjoy the new me. If it plays in Boopieville, I don't give a fuck where else it don't play..

In an unrelated note: Stanford is not making new appointments and they are starting up a clinical trial related to CCSVI and MS. What this means is my wife will have to wait longer to possibly get in and not necessarily get the surgery which she may or may not require. We have been waiting 2 months for a phone call from the scheduler which now, I suppose, may not come at all. I have calls and emails in to them and they are not responding. I know, they are busy. But my wife is busy progressing with her symptoms daily. She can almost not even transfer from the bed to the wheelchair. I don't know what will happen then. But I will be there, evil inside and nice and sweet outside like a reverse Oreo cookie. Enough bitch-logging for one day. Out

Is the Dog Going to the Pound?

I don't know, I just know that it's been a week, and every day she still mentions how "Charlie" thinks this or that. Lately, it's "Charlie thinks I should divorce you." 

Charlie is an ex-"boyfriend." He has been out of the picture since we were married in 2003. Well, not really. We came back from our honeymoon and there was an answering machine message from him. I was a little taken aback and told my wife that it was time to put that one to rest. 

She said she had been stringing him along for the whole time we were together so that he would leave her his life insurance money. 

I said, "We are married now. You really need to let that whole thing go." 

She agreed to do this. However, two months ago I am standing there, and the phone rings at 8 am on a Monday. It is Charlie leaving a message. I asked her what was up. 

She said, "He contacted me again after all this time. I get things from him that you don't give me." 

I didn't react too badly, but I was upset. I decided not to pursue it and told her, "Talk to him if you want, I can't stop you." 

Now, it seems they are talking constantly about all my fuckups and my bad attitude, which she calls "abuse." I don't do anything for days, and she brings up the last thing I did a week ago and says she is still hurt by it. 

Then she tells me her parents are coming down and they are concerned that I am not treating her well. She is now telling everyone how she wants to leave me but can't because she is disabled. 

She said, "If I was well I'd leave and not look back," and "I don't love you anymore." 

I said we have made love several times since this incident, and yet, you keep bringing it back up. 

"Oh, sex...I'd fuck anything..." 

So, I guess I'm not special. I guess I just have to accept that she is going to hate me unless I do everything she asks me to and never have a bad attitude about anything.  

I know MS is making her life worse by the day. I want to help her. It is just frustrating when nothing helps and she picks on every little thing. I can't make her see that I am not evil, I'm just a person who has problems, too. I swear I do more and more every day to keep her above water, but it's like she is slipping away from me. 

I can't take what life is dishing out. I keep on doing the things that need to be done, but with a feeling of futility. My self esteem is in the dirt. I get it. I should suffer because I am an asshole. I am going back into my hole now. 

I don't think this blog is such a great idea.

What to Do?

I got through Thanksgiving, but it wasn't over. Since I didn't do anything bad since the giblet bag blowout, I thought it was over. It wasn't. She must have buried the anger she felt under a one inch layer of smiles just long enough to get through the day and the next two days of my working. But on Saturday night she informed me that she was still very upset and brought back all the same arguments that I thought we had finished on Thurs. I hate to bring this up because I will sound sexist, macho or whatever, but I think she waited until Sat. after it appeared that we wouldn't be "doing it" that night. She will wait for me to make the appropriate overtures and if they aren't made she will get all disgusted and make sure that nothing happens. Like if she doesn't get it, she didn't want it and besides she's pissed and ____ is why. What she doesn't get is that sometimes I get put off by her being so mad at me, that I can't think that she will want any sort of affection from me. She is good at hiding her anger when it isn't practical to have a big blowup. But then PMS shows up and watch out. I don't ever try to argue with her. I get sucked in sometimes because I don't want to think of her as unable to have a conversation in which I don't totally agree with everything she says. Yes and sometimes I do have a bad attitude which I don't hide. But anymore she is so fragile, even though she will rip me a new one. So I walk on eggshells and try not to cuss when I stub my toe. When we do finally do it she will feel much better towards me for a while. All I can do is keep trying to do what she wants and point out to her that I am indeed doing what she wants at any given moment. Or at least behaving acceptably within the given parameters. Am I a whipped bitch or what? I could never intentionally hurt her or try to make her feel bad. It is unfortunate that this occurs despite my trying to keep it from happening. I don't feel any better for having written this. I don't guess I will feel better until something positive happens for her such as getting to use the new shower. Or getting to go to Stanford and trying to fix her MS. I just don't know what to do. I will post later a day in the life of Sparky D (aka Hoodyup) so all can know what I do from the moment I wake up til I fall asleep. Maybe it will make me look better to some or maybe it will expose me for being the wimp that I am. I don't know anymore. I'm no one's hero, that's for sure. I will keep getting up and going on as if I still have a life to live and a wife to love. I hope things get better sometime.

The After Thanksgiving Blahs

Here I am at work blogging. I should be working, but there's no work right now in my automotive service department. I would be working on Honda cars and raking in the big bucks as an evil mechanic, but it is Black Friday, and everyone is out spending the government's money on toys and other useless gadgets for the holiday season. 

So, with all the things we have to be thankful for mine is, well, I'm still married despite having a hard time finding the giblets in the thanksgiving turkey. I am working on my attitude, but I'm telling ya, it isn't easy. I have had a short fuse my whole life. Comes from being spoiled as a child. Too much ice cream every time I whined. 

So when something goes slightly not my way, I act up and give the world the finger, and this gets me in trouble with my dear, MS suffering wife, Boopie, or Boopieup, if you have already checked out her blog/rant page. I figured every story has two sides, and even the evil villain needs to have a voice. If only so that people learn "don't be like him." 

Consider me the Hitler of caregivers. I don't say that to make light of it. I really don't know where the evilness arises from, kind of the mid-chest region, and then the ears will tingle and turn red, and possibly a wisp of smoke comes out, I don't know. 

Any-hoo. I like cats and beer and days off of work. I love my wife, Boopie, although it is harder and harder to avoid all conflicts. Partly because of her MS and partly because of my piss-poor attitude. 

Rewind 10+ years. A partly-unemployed screenprinter and VCR tech meets a cowgirl down on her relationship luck and sweeps her off her horse and into his one bedroom shack in Paradise, CA. Although she becomes partly domesticated, and he gives up some of his batchelorism, they both have baggage from upbringing and past relationships. 

After 5 years of dating and living in sin, they commit the final act of courage and take the plunge to get married. They have had much fun together and look forward to much more. She goes back to school and lands a dream job working at the college. 

After a few months on the job she develops some strange symptoms: blurry vision when standing, numbness on her left thigh, and occasional headaches behind her right eye. A few visits to doctors, eye doctors and a neurologist confirm a diagnosis of MS. Who knew what that meant back then? We were just relieved it wasn't cancer. 

After much reluctance and a worsening of symptoms she is forced to take a 5 month leave from work. She keeps her head up and tries to go on with her life despite the worsening symptoms. So many things she could still do, but time wasn't on her side. She is forced to go on disability in 2005. 

In 2008, she still had enough drive to try to make her dreams of having a ranch and horses come true. On Valentine's Day, we both found a place that seemed perfect. Three months later we were moving into the 5 acre ranch/home. 

Misty, our beloved Tennessee Walker did not live to see the move. She died before we could close escrow. Huckleberry, our Basset hound also died in 2008 along with Stinky, the boogery, toothless tomcat. Time may be the great healer, but it is also killing us all slowly. I have type 2 diabetes, but can control it with strict diet and exercise. I still have my feet. 

By 2009, she is no longer walking or doing much of anything. It is hard to transfer to the wheelchair or the shower without risking falling. 98% of everyday is spent in bed doing stuff on the internet (dial-up) listening to audio books or watching tv (3 channels). 

We had a $10,000 bathroom remodel done with a 401k loan, but are still unable to use it due to the manufactured shower pan not being truly a "roll-in" shower. It has a bevel 1-1/8 high which defies all but the 8" casters of a regular manual wheelchair. We now need to dump some more money into finding a shower wheel chair to make it up this ramp. 

I went from being a carefree, fun-loving dude with minimal responsibilities and not so much economic prosperity to an overworked, soured, evil caregiver with lots of responsibilities and not much in the way of fun. I know this sounds selfish, because look at the deal my wife got. She got MS, deteriorating health and an evil sourpuss of a husband/caregiver. 

I mean, I don't set out intentionally to be an ass, it just comes out in the course of a day if I don't really fight it. I don't do evil caregiver stuff like beat her or tie her to the bed (even if she begs). I just let the occasional bleep out or make an abrupt movement which she interprets as bad body language. I rarely deny it anymore. I just apologize and try to do better. 

Lately, she has been threatening to move out, or worse yet, having some 70-year-old ex-boyfriend move in to take care of her. I could scream, but this would just aggravate the situation, so I have to bite my tongue and just be a good boy. I understand how she feels better than I understand my own feelings. 

This is where I am at right at the moment. Sort of in the doghouse and out of second chances. I need help sorting out my anger and frustration issues. I need to have a better attitude toward life, but don't know how to start cuzz I hate it right now. Ever just hate everything? I don't know how to stop being me, and I don't like who I am. 

So who reads these blogs? No one, I hope. I don't anticipate any fan clubs. I expect more the cave man type clubs and pitchforks and torches. Out with the evil caregiver! Out I say! Oh, and the giblets were right there where she said they would be.

Goat head Fred (2009, the state of the state was...not good)

So Bad

So it’s six o’clock

And I’m takin’ a shot

Some tequila or whatever you got

2 hits of weed and

That’s all I need

To get all funky and become what I’m not

‘ts no sin

To be wasted again

When what goes on inside me could waste me alone

I got stress

Can you guess

What this dirty old bastard is sufferin’ from?

Goat head Fred

Wishes he was dead

‘stead of eatin’ Kellog’s cornflakes again

His head’s a mess

He’s wearing a dress

Passed out on the floor with something leaking from his brain

…and he does it again.

Don’t do me any favors

Unless it’s choc-o-lot

Don’t expose me to the neighbors

Cause I likes my pot, …I likes my pot

Journal entry for Feb 24, 2009 (the State of the State rap)

The state of the state is a total wreck
I'm so confused, it's even worse than you'd suspect
To keep throwing parties I need a stimulus check

When I get --raw-- I start wars
It's on son, don't ever forget
When I'm on one, bodies hit the floor

I smoke so much weed my teeth turned green
It's no joke, I got a deadly disease
Called "fuck you, I'm gonna do as I please"

Senseless to try to stop it
Even worse to deny or interrupt it
I'm more corrupted than seven politicians all named Bush
And every one of them the devil's puppet

You got some beef...
I got more chicken and pork than most folks stomachs could put up with
Plus I got the knives, the wine, the forks and a big fat smile to serve them up with

Song For Sharon (date approximate)

My pencil lead 

Is about to break

I don't know how much 

More it can take 

Of these worn out phrases

And sad clichés

Will my love return

One of these days? 

 

With sadness & boredom

My life was filled

If I didn't break out

I'd be there still 

 

When I think of how

We fell in love

We may have been crazy

But when push comes to shove

I'll always love you, babe

I will always love you, babe

 

Yeah

Yeah

 

My guitar strings

Are about to break

So I'd better play fast

For goodness sake

My time is over -- and this song is too

Just enough room -- to tell you I love you 

 

Train Wreck -- Feel Like Crap (date approximate)

Well, I feel like a train wreck

And I smell like a bum crappin' corn

I woke up this morning

Far from the underwear I'd worn

I'm still amazed that I made it

All the way to lunch break

That pastrami sandwich must 

Surely have been a mistake

Last night a twelve pack

Some tough talk, some things to forget

Like peein' in a bottle and 

Gettin' the hotel seats all wet

But like lightning, like standin' at the gates of hell

I answer the questions and stagger off

Knowing all is well

I'm the highest functioning retard

The world has ever seen

And if I had it to do over

Maybe I'd just drink two or three

Feel like crap

Feel like crap

Feel like crap

Feel like crap

Feel like crap

Feel like crap

Feel like crap

Feel like crap

 

Sharon's Sexmonster Rap (date approximate)

I like it hard

I like it fast

I like it when you whip my ass

 

I like you hard

I like you strong

I like your big King Kong

 

I like you hot 

I like you thick

I like your big fuck stick

 

Please give me the shaft baby

When you fuck me you drive me crazy

 

Stick me in the pink hole

Stick me in the -- Oh, no!

 

 

**written and performed by Sharon Golding on my Sexmonster song which can be heard here on Soundcloud.** 

 

 

Spitballing (date approximate)

Call It Second Best

I loved your sister, but I married you

But it doesn't matter cause she's married to a Jew

 

Queen of Quarters

 

_______________

 

Man Hoggin' Beast

 

You sleep with my man

You steal the sheets

You take all the love

When you're in heat

 

_____________

 

The Meat And The Heat (What I like about mama)

 

 

 

**I think these were things Sharon came up with and had me write down as potential song ideas. She was not always one to finish a song, but she was convinced that she was giving me gold, so I was always compelled to take notes. I'm pretty sure "Man Hoggin' Beast" was about our cat, Meaty.** 

Slow Fuckin' Blues (date approximate)

Slow fuckin' blues

Ain't no doubt about it

 

I can't hear

Out of one ear

I'm goin' play the drums

That's all I'm gonna do

So screw you!

 

I can sit on my duff

Pound loud enough

That the neighbors get mad

Fuck you, neighbors

That's just too bad

 

Fuck me?

No, fuck you! 

The Battle of Taco Bell Parts I and II (2005)

Part One

Once upon a time

My path to Taco Bell was

Impeded by a gigantic grapefruit

With four eyes

And screaming tentacles

That extended outward in

Every direction when aroused

Reaping the repercussions I

Did not swerve but

Challenged its authority to

Bar my way

Knowing I was a mere mortal it lunged at me

Suction cups blaring

With my Ginsu I sliced

And stabbed

And slashed my way

Past it

Dashed for the door

Stepped up to the counter

And ordered a burrito

Part Two

One sunny afternoon in December

My hunger drove me to a place

Where a horrible incident had

Occurred months before

The juice stains had all been

Washed away

The severed tentacles gathered up

By hungry Mexicans

But where was the beast itself?

Where had the giant four-eyed

Grapefruit gotten off to?

I cautiously entered the establishment

I approached the counter with

Trepidation

Wearing a paper hat, its tentacles

Bound beneath a hairnet it

Spoke these words

“Welcome to Taco Bell. May I take your order?”

Valentine from Boopie

 

My Dearest Hoody,

                       I just had to take the time away from

homework to tell you how much I love you.

You made Valentine's Day so special. I really

appreciated the thought you put into it.

Everything about it was perfect. I hope I

didn’t ruin it for you with my crappy

conversation. You're the love of my life.

You make me so happy. You make me think

of you all day long. I feel so truly blessed to

be married to you. I know I don't show it

much because of school but I really do think

you are the greatest person in the world.

You make my heart go pitter-patter. I love

you so very much.

                       I hope you had a good day at work. I

know you work so hard and I do really think

you are wonderful, the way you go to work

and work hard every day. You are truly an

amazing and wonderful man. Thank you for

being mine...All MINE!

                                         Love, Boopie

CB Radio Diatribe (2003 -- yes, I actually read this over the airwaves)

This is a long winded public service announcement by Dogbone Radio. The views and opinions expressed here are my own.

Introduction

I'm going to key up for a little while and this might take some time so I apologize in advance for tying up the airwaves. However, I am a little long-winded and I have a few things I need to get off my chest. You might get bored and decide to leave the room, or shut your radio off, that's ok. I am going to stay on the air until I have said all I want to say, then I'll let go of the key and if anyone has anything they want to say I'll listen. If you want to tell me to fuck off that's fine, too. I really don't care at this point. I'm talking.

Hi, I'm Dogbone, and I used to talk quite a bit on the radio. About 6 years ago I was pretty obsessed with the CB. I'd always have one on, in the car, in my bedroom, living room, etc. I even had a speaker in the bathroom. Every morning at 8 o'clock I would key up music and ramble on about nothing. I used to talk on channel 22 and participate in the noise, chaos and crap talking that went on out there 24/7.

Somehow, in all that BS I managed to meet my fiancée, Cowgirl over the airwaves. She proved to be an exception to my "all Cbers are scum" philosophy. Like women do, she worked on me and helped change me in many ways. I went back to school and got a career and stopped throwing my dirty underwear in the corner. Eventually, we got tired of all the crap talking that went on on a daily basis and put our radios away, until just recently.

Anyway, who cares, right? We just recently put them back in service to communicate with each other instead of buying cell phones. But the airwaves are shared with anyone with a radio, so into our lives came some undesired things. Here's where you might want to listen and see what you think may or may not apply to you. If I sound preachy, it's probably my church background, it left a big impression on the way I think and act, although I don't call myself a Christian anymore.

CB RADIO is a forum for free speech

It's like a public beach, anyone can park their big ol' butt on a towel and soak up some sun rays. It's free. Black, white, rich, poor, educated or not, no one can tell you what you can or can't say over the radio. And as such, opinions, however unreasonable or "stupid" are protected. AS is the right to say "yo mamma" or "kiss my fine black ass."

If a person is offended by what they hear on the radio they have options. ON/OFF switch is one. Volume and squelch also work well for removing offensive speech from your ears. There is even a channel selector to choose from many frequencies, with many different people who talk on them. You also have a microphone, with a PTT switch, which means you have the ability to key up and voice your own opinion. You may do so AT ANY TIME.

Not everyone is going to like everyone else. This is the nature of people. To be different. Some people like to fart, and other people like to pick their nose. It's really no one else's business. If I were a racist, or a Nazi or whatever else, I'd have the same right to key up my garbage as anyone else. I'm not, by the way. I don't like to categorize or label people. They are all individuals. I am an individual. I'm not a hater or someone who is looking for a fight.

I will protect myself in a situation that calls for it, and protect my family and property. I am not going to be intimidated from talking on my CB. I may fall into someone's "asshole" category. That's fine. No one is forced to talk to me, or listen to me. I try to be nice to everyone, sometimes my personality rubs folks the wrong way. Sorry. But it is just a radio. It stops there. Once threats are carried out, or property is damaged, then appropriate actions will be taken. Laws protect. So do the police. So security cameras and neighborhood watch.

It's SO SAD

So the spray paint has already been removed, but the damage was done. You've all lost a cheery personality, and caused a girl to suffer anxiety. I'm speaking of Cowgirl, who has had enough of the radio, and the threats and backstabbing that has gone on in the last week or so. She's the one getting ulcers worrying because of vandalism and threats over the radio.

Even though she specifically told a certain Cber to not reveal any personal information over the radio, this was not respected. She feels hurt because she did quite a bit for this individual in the last few weeks, from feeding him, to giving him rides, to inviting him into our house. We don't think we are better than anyone, but we can't be friends with people who betray us by instigating fights and feed people's anger with "he said, she said" kinds of talk.

She ain't havin' it. Talking on the CB should be fun, and for her, now it's not. Way too much drama. She already watches Days of our Lives, and what's nice is those people don't come to your house and spray paint on your fence. She's had a few problems in the past with bad people from the CB radio and she's not going to go through it all again. It's sad because she has a great personality and loves to talk to anyone. But this whole thing has gotten her so upset she's getting stomach ulcers.

She doesn't want me to get on here right now and vent, but she understands. I am doing it for her. I don't want any trouble, neither does she. So I suggest that the individual who has any information about us, such as vehicles, addresses, physical descriptions, job locations, keep it to themselves. Why does anyone want to fuck with us anyway? What button did we push?

If a person wants to box, join the gym. If they want to kill something, get a hunting license. If you want to spray paint, spray paint some rusty old lawn furniture and make it look better. Use a good sealer and don't forget to sand first. Let the CB radio be for what it is, cheap talk and cheap entertainment.

I personally am more into the technical aspects, what antennas get out better, what radios have what features and perform the best. If you want to compete, get your station strong, get some killer audio. Get a stompin' mobile. Be happy. Don't stress. Live and let live. Life's too short to have feuds and fights with members of your own community. It is a small town. Some people like it that way. So since everyone knows where everyone lives and what they drive, let's all try to respect each other just enough to have happy lives.

Life is not about who fights the best. There are plenty of people who can kick my ass, and I'm sure there are a few old ladies out there that I might be able to intimidate. But why? I'm just another guy with another opinion that don't mean shit. So everyone, "Have a good day." I will unkey now.

Andrew Letter 25 -- I break the news to Mom about Sharon and I getting back together

From: andrew <dogboner@c-zone.net>

To: Edrie Kioski <edrie.kioski@rosetechnology.com>

Sent: Thursday, February 10, 2000 February 10, 2000 7:28 PM

Subject: Hi,Mom!

P.S. The date on your email says Jan 18 but I didn't get it until Feb 9 .... am I in a time warp?

 

 

Dearest Mom,

 

I don't know where to begin this so I'll just hit you over the head with it, then I'll back up and see if I can't make some sense of it to you afterward.

Sharon and I are back together again.

I know you feel that since she hurt me and treated me so badly, that I should hate her and never want to be with her again. I just can't do that.

It's not because I am a weak person. I feel that during the time we were apart I became much more self-reliant and learned much about myself as a person. One of the things I learned was how much I really loved her. Sure, I did try to put her out of my mind, but you know how I cried and wailed because I couldn't bear to let her go. You can never forget your true love.

Well, letting her go turned out to be the best thing. She had a month to do as she pleased, to be free, to try to replace me or be alone-whatever she wanted. And after comparing every single guy she came in contact with to me, guess what? She realized that she couldn't replace me, and that what she was searching for was what she already had, and lost.

She wrote me a letter, begging me to take her back, apologizing for everything and saying that she realized that she loved me. I know that this was a difficult thing for her to do because she has a lot of pride. But she just poured out her heart to me and I knew that if she really felt this way, that she had learned some really valuable things by being away from me. I didn't really have to think too much to know what I wanted, but I had to be sure she knew what she wanted. I talked to her about her letter. She really meant everything she said and she has a whole new attitude.

I know you were mad at her for hurting me and you only want to see me happy. Believe me, she is sorry that she did what she did. It nearly cost her everything, because sooner or later the door to my heart would have closed shut and who knows if I'd ever have been able to open it again. She feels terribly about how you must feel about her and knows that it will be difficult for you to accept her again. But I am asking you for my sake, and the sake of any future (who knows) kids there may be, that you help me to put aside the past.

People make mistakes in life, and they get confused and don't know what's best sometimes. If I learned anything from 5 years of Christianity, it was that love is greater than evil. Love can even the score with one stroke, and it is called forgiveness. Sometimes forgiveness is impossible, when someone is in a state of denial, or unrepentant. But when someone whom you love begs you to take them back, and tells you how sorry they are to have hurt you, and that they love you and will do anything for you ... that they can't live without you -- well, I can tell you, it isn't hard to forgive.

 

Forgetting may be another matter. It takes time, and a lot of positive water flowing under the bridge.

Sharon and I are determined to make things work out. Sharon's mom, who has always liked me, but never thought we were right for each other is beginning to see the possibility that we may be destined to be together after all. I don't think a person gets too many chances at love in this life, and I don't want to blow mine by saying "well, because you did this, then I will have to do that-and tic and tac, check-mate, I win." I just don't see the point. She has assured me that she has "gotten her head out of her ass" and that she won't do anything like that again. 

I am willing to forgive her and try again. I never did stop loving her, Mom. It was a very painful experience, but I think she is better for it and the result is that our relationship can be better, too. She is much more appreciative of us, and realizes that what we had was something very special. I don't know what the future will hold, I just know that I am happier with her in my life, and happiest of all now that she is genuinely 100% in the relationship. It may be difficult to understand, but what we have now is stronger than what I thought we had before.

 

How are things with you guys? Sounds like financial belt-tightening, all the way around. Well, at least your house is paid off ... (I think.) And the both of you are highly employable, if perhaps overqualified. When I am faced with a shaky perch, I always try to make my jump to higher ground. Sometimes you can only move laterally, or down. But as long as it's a soft landing you aren't in too much trouble. I don't foresee too bad of a time for you, as you are both very smart and have many options available.

 

When I ever finish this schooling, I will have plenty of open doors. Hopefully, I won't be tossed out of them for ineptitude. There are just so many things to learn and apply before you can become the "master mechanic" that people think you already are when you get your certification. I just learned how to set the timing on my car for the first time last weekend. I have the advantage of having a certain amount of intellectual ability, which doesn't always equal common sense, but can make you look like you know what you are doing (even when you really don't.) I learn the most when I make mistakes. Bill Gates was right when he said "success is a lousy teacher." You definitely learn more from getting something wrong than from getting it right by accident.

 

I really appreciate you guys being there for me, I'd never be able to do this if it weren't for your help.

I'm hoping my last two semesters I will be able to work as either a teachers aid or in some local auto shop and get paid to get my skills up. I know my first job won't be that great as far as pay (it is what is called paying your dues) but hopefully they will provide the on-the-job training that I am still lacking.

 

Well, take care ... Talk to you later. Don't be mad at me for being with Sharon, I know it will take time, but I hope you two can become friends again.

 

Love,

Andrew

 

 

The Reply (I respond to Sharon's Makeup Letter -- the longwinded version)

 

Sharon, I got your letter. I don't know what to say. My head is still swimming. I'm not actually sure that it is actually real, or maybe I'm dreaming. Part of me wants to jump for joy and believe everything I am reading, ask no questions and take you back before you can change your mind.

Then part of me says ,"Whoa, whoa what's going on? Are you maybe just going through a phase, and getting sentimental? If we did get together, how would it be? What would be different? Could things be the same? Would I want things to be the same? Could things be better? Would you be happier? Would I be happier? What about the future? What about the past? Could we truly put it behind us?"

All these questions. It makes me glad to hear you express such strong feelings for me. I thought I was the only one whose emotions were so strong. I have never had anyone ever want me back before; I've always been the one left sitting in the dust.

There is not a day that goes by that i don't think about you. Usually, I try to block it out before the sadness comes. Sometimes I've let myself remember the good times, and usually that just results in my getting misty and crying my head off. I try not to let that happen too much.

I tell myself that I must be strong and try to focus on stuff that I have some control over, like school, or housework--anything. It hasn't been easy; you made a very deep impression on my heart. I've been keeping myself occupied, but I wouldn't say that I've been happy. I was never happier than when I was with you, when things were at their best, or at least I thought they were.

I've tried putting personal ads on the Internet but with no success. I wouldn't be able to replace you, even if someone did actually answer my ad, and things actually made it as far as meeting someone, etc. I knew once I lost you that basically, I would be alone.

I haven't fallen into my previous habits, become a druggie or a drunk. I have you to thank for that and am glad. I know that no matter what I do, I could never get you out of my heart. I know they say that time can heal anything, but in a million years it will never let you forget.

I know it isn't possible to go back in time, but if I could, I would go back to when I thought things were good between us. Even the bad times really weren't so bad, because the love that we had.

When you first wanted to leave me, I couldn't believe it or understand it. I didn't want to accept that maybe I wasn't good enough or couldn't make you happy in life. I know that a person can have problems inside, and it affects how they see things, how they treat people and everything. 

I thought if I just did this or that or changed things about myself, that I could make a difference. I know now that no matter what I did, it didn't matter, you had to discover your own true feelings for yourself.

You have had some time to yourself and to see what your life would be like without me in it. What has happened that made you think more highly of me now than one month ago? I was under the impression that you were happy to be free -- free of me, free to be whoever you wanted to be.

What has changed? What disappointments have brought you to this point? You're letter sounds so emotional; it reminds me of someone I know very well: me. I just didn't think it was possible that you would feel this way. I haven't changed, you are just looking at me differently now that we are apart. But is getting back together truly what you want?

I never questioned my love for you, I just realized that I was fighting a losing battle and that I needed to let you go. It broke my heart that you wouldn't make up with me on Christmas Day when I brought the flowers. But I couldn’t compete with your fantasies. Poor, humble me, with my pathetic flowers and my hopes all crushed, trying to be macho.

I guess I just figured you wanted something or someone else, taller, big truck, rancher--someone other than me. What makes me so attractive all of a sudden?

I know that loneliness can make you wish for someone to be with. Sadly, many are in abusive  unhappy relationships just because they don't want to be alone. I wouldn't want to take advantage of you in a moment of loneliness or weakness to try to get you back into a relationship.

I think that was the whole problem (at least for you) to start with. You questioned my motives in getting involved with you, saying that I was just desperate or that I didn't love you for who you were.

I never saw it that way. I was just happy that you were with me. I never thought that I might be taking advantage of you. I thought you wanted to be with me because you liked me, because we got along so well and because we seemed to be so happy together.

I just wouldn't want for you to want to get together with me for the wrong reasons. If it is just loneliness, it will pass. I can't say that I've won the battle. I still get all sad whenever something reminds me of you (which is all the time).

I've have had to accept the possibility that we'd never be together. All those memories make it so very hard to accept, because I was truly happy. But were you? Truly? Am I truly the kind of man you'd be happiest with? Or would you always be thinking that someone better, richer or taller is out there?

I could not take another hurt of the kind I had when I found you doing the things that led to our breaking up. And I wouldn't want you to be in a relationship with me just because you think you "couldn't get anyone better." I just want so much for our love to be true. I couldn't stand for another heartbreak to happen.

We both need to take a close look at who we are, how we feel and how we really fit into each other's lives. If it turns out that we can really be together, then we need to be honest about what we want from the relationship. We have to start all over again, and be open and up front right from the start.

 We need to not be afraid to love each other and be kind to one another.

 Oh, Honey

 Can we?

Andrew "Dogboner" replies to Sharon "CWgirly" re: the makeup letter

 Page 1 of 1

 — andrew dogboner(g)c-zone.net> wrote:

Wow.
I don't know if I'm still asleep or not. I never
would have thought I'd get
a letter like this from you. I'm shocked (but not
unhappy). Of course I will
call you, how could I not? Please let me know when
would be a good time, as
I don't know your schedule. I get home around
4 oclock on Thursdays, and
today I may be a little bit later. If it's ok I
could call you around
5 oclock. I have to get ready for school, so I guess
1'll have to wait to
talk to you till then. Please have a good day, I
will call vou in the
evening, if that's ok.
Love, Andrew

From:    Sharon Orrick <cwgirly@yahoo com>
To:    andrew <dogboner@c-zone.net>
Sent:    Thursday, February 03, 2000 9:08    AM
Subject:    Re: Dear Andrew

I'm sorry to have shocked the hell out of you but it's all true. I will be here. I am not working tonight. Andrew, I still have your horse. I couldn't sell her.
I had a person come up from Sacramento with the perfect situation and I backed out. I couldn't do it.
It just wasn't fair. Mainly it wasn't fair to you.
I could come over if you want me to? If not that is
ok. I understand. I miss you.

Love.
Sharon

P.S. Say we do get back together, and I really hope we do, my family is not going to be happy, but you know what, for the first time I don't care. I know what I want out of life and it's you. They can eat shit and accept you and accept it. They like you but don't think we are right for each other.

Sharon's Makeup Letter

From:    Sharon Orrick <cwgirly@yahoo    com>
To:    <dogboner@c-zone.net>
Sent:    Wednesday, February 02, 2000    9:28 PM
Subject:    Dear Andrew

Dear Andrew,
I know you don't want contact with me in any way but I need to speak with you. We've been apart for a month now and you know what I have found during this month. That I miss you terribly and all I think about is you. Maybe in my weakened state from disappointment after disappointment I have come to realize that we really did have something. Yes, in fact when I was talking to Vivianne about you she asked me if I loved you and I told her I did and she said she knew I did because I never had anything bad to say about you and everything was always good. I have found that I am in fact too old now to be in the dating game. I need to settle down and quit being childish. Andrew I have tried to contact you on the phone but either you aren’t there or it is busy. I ask you this...would you please take me back. It is beyond me to beg but I realize that I love you. Even though maybe my parents don’t agree but then again they don't agree with any of what I do. I need your love and I need to move on with my life in a positive way. I feel myself some how slipping though I am doing well I just can't live without you. Please find it in your heart to forgive me what I have done. It took me risking everything I had to find this out and I know there is a great chance that you won't take me back. If not I will regret this for the rest of my life. But it is your choice now. I am the fool here and I hope you will love me for who I am and I will love you for who you are and what you are to me. We were more than friends yes. I know this. We had more than I have ever had with anyone or could hope to have with anyone. All those times we did stuff together and all the times we went fishing and our little camping times. I loved it, every minute of it. My life was good then. I felt complete. I am so empty without you. I feel so badly that I hurt you but I had to harden my heart and tell myself that I had to push you away. Why? I think it was to find myself and to know that I could be alone.
But for what? Look where it has gotten me. NO where.
I know I sound like a sorry sack of shit. For the first time in my life I want something back that I
lost. Usually I can say oh well and move on. But not this time, I think that maybe because we were together for a long time that I got scared of the end of the road. I thought that maybe I was too young to settle down. I'm not too young. I want to be with you Andrew. I love you very much and I am in love with you. It was not my unhappiness with you that made things bad. It was my unhappiness with myself and me not being honest with you and my weight had a great part in it that I was not making myself do the best for me but blaming it on you and you had nothing to do with it. Look, I know this is chicken shit to write this to you instead of talking to you but I want you back and I miss you and I love you and I am too scared to come to your house of fearing that the rejection would devastate me more than I am now and more than I could bear. I miss your love and I miss loving you.
We had it good. We had something that was just awesome and never could be duplicated. Please find it in your heart to forgive me. There really isn't anything that has sparked this all of a sudden need to talk to you...it's just that all along I compared every man to you that I came in contact with since we parted. No one will and can measure up to you. Please call me.
I need and love you so much.
Love,
Sharon

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The Definition of a Good Pair of Shoes

The Definition of a Good Pair of Shoes

A good pair of shoes knows your foot like a friend.
They know when to give and when to provide firm support.
They are there when you need them, and when you don't, they don't lose their shape.
They will go anywhere and perform any job; they won't squeak, won't blow out or
cause you to slip.

When they're new you might wear them with pride at inappropriate times.
You might not want to wear them at all, because you fear you'll mark them up.
When that first scuff or scratch mars the finish, you feel bad, you want to throw them away. They have lost half their value, and you start thinking of another pair.
But these good shoes are tough, a little polish and they're as good as new.
So you decide to keep them, after all there's a lot you've been through.
But you don't think as much about walking in the mud or the poop.
They can take it. That's their job, and they can always
be replaced....

So eventually, you get the urge to kick up your heels. 

And this good pair of shoes, they're not looking so good anymore. 

You go looking through catalogs and storefront windows, even thinking about 

Trying on some sporty looking, new stylish pair. 

You find one or two that you like and you slip your foot inside.

Their newness deceptively cushions the defects that cheap shoes sometimes hide.
They look good, they smell good, but you know in two weeks,
You'll have blisters, walk funny and have yet another pair of shoes in your closet, in your collection of impulsive purchases.
So you'll take out your old pair, the good ones that never let you down.
You hope the mold and dirt hasn't taken too great of a toll.
The fact that they are good shoes doesn't make them invulnerable to the ravages of improper care.

Alas, even good shoes may go bad if there is no one around to wear them.

Well, you can't bear to throw them out, but to keep them is also a pain, 

So you savagely use them for the dirty work and leave them in the rain. 

Too good to throw away, but now not good enough to be your shoes, 

Their good days behind them,

They still hang in there, waiting to be used.

A good pair of shoes, never fails you, no matter what you do.

The Lilac Minute

Re: Sunday Evening
From: Lilac20C@aol.com
To: dogboner@c-zone.net
Subject: Re: Sunday Evening
Date: Monday, December 27, 1999 19:32:21
Hi Andrew

Hope all is well. I liked your letter you definitely seem to be someone who is acquainted with himself and that is a good thing. - you know. Some people seemed to be more concerned with fitting in than with who they can become •

i am sorry to hear about huckleberry - perhaps its nothing serious I reallv hope so. Because I couldn't image if anything would happen to ray pets, they are my babies. I love them with all my heart.
Its amazing what they can do for you. Just a gesture or a look can turn a really bad day into a very good day. My girls make me smile with their unique personalities. While huckleberry may be a lump, Chloe is more like a streak of lightning she is so energetic and just a little love. Listen to me blah blah blah.

well, onto another subject - screen printing sounds very interesting - you must enjoy it. 1 have seen some beautiful pieces done in that media - quirky huh. Well, as for the theory of art being void - I think that what your uncle fails to realize is art is not in the creation but in its reaction. When one looks at a piece and feels something whether positive or negative - that’s where the art truly is. Listen to me, well I will get off of my soap box now onto his subject.

You are the first person I really write too like this - I think it is because I feel kindred spirit with you. Perhaps that's a good thing:o)

Its good chat you want to make the most of your education because that is another area in which we can grow and change. I love learning - I never liked it as a kid, but now as an adult. I feel I cannot get enough information. Perhaps because I have realized the real wealth in this world is knowledge and love. And anything else is just fleeting in our lives.

Perhaps you are a writer - you may not just know it yet for sure. Perhaps you are waiting to end your adventure before you begin the chronicles. I think you would be a good writer with your insight into the world.

I try to be understanding of those around me because I have come to the determination that if we all use a little kindness and manners perhaps we can change the world one person at a time - although I must say I do fall of my pedestal once in a while and let the world get to me - but after all I am only human.

Your cat sounds like he has lived quite a life - he was lucky enough to drift into the life of someone who cares for him.

That’s another thing that I feel directs our lives. We run into people who will change our lives all the time - sometimes we just aren't aware of it and loose some very good influences, but enough of my preaching for now.

Sorry to be so talkative, but I am in one of my purging moods. And I think you are very interesting although I think there is one thing we may have to 'discuss.

Yes, I am a tall woman but I am also heavy. So if this is an issue please let me know. Please don’t take offense but some people just think that what one looks like is all there is. Because underneath this padding is the soul of a really great person only the lucky ones have been blessed to see that.

So I will hopefully hear from you soon. I hope all goes well. And I will keep my fingers crossed for huckleberry.

The Ballad of the Cowgirl and her Chance Encounter with a Man in the Feed Store (and how it led her to place a personal ad in the News and Review) by The Man in the Feed Store

I'll bet you like horses, I'd say with a grin on my face,

To the tall, blonde haired beauty that I saw at the feed store buyin' grain.

You'd look at me with anger; 

Who is this stranger, 

What's he staring at me for?

Go away, little boy; 

I'm a big girl who's seen it all before.

So our first chance encounter would have ended up disastrously.
I'd have never known you were looking for someone like me.
I'd stumble and stutter; you'd buy the grain and walk out the door,
And I'd be left standing there in the aisle of the damn feed store.

So, disgusted with myself, I'd go home, watch TV and drink a beer,
Like so many nights, for so many sad lonely years.
After a few hours, I’d fall off to sleep on the couch,
Dreamin' about the Cowgirl at the feed store that I just can't live without.

And the days would come and the days would go

How to get that girl, well, I just don't know

I'd clean my house and buy new clothes

And do all the things that a man can do to let a woman know.

I'd bring you flowers and read you tender love poems,
If only I had the number to your telephone.
I'd look through the want ads, mainly to have a good laugh,
Cause love never comes from its pages, just girls who want cash.

But hope springs eternal, even for old hopeless fools like me.
I'd open up the paper, not ready for what I would see:
"6 foot 2, with eyes of blue,
Blonde haired Cowgirly, Is looking for you.

"She likes animals, dancing, four wheelin'
And some romance, too.
She wants a 5" 9' brown haired man with glasses,     
Last seen at the feed store, looking so dashing,

"Who’s conversation was lacking, but who looked so sincere,

Though she was in quiet a rush,

So she really couldn't spare the time to sit around and wait

For him to pick up his eyeballs off the floor and get his lines together,

And quit his droolin' 

(though he did look kind of cute with his tongue hangin' down to his boots). 

THAT man,

If it's you, can call my personal ad.

And I hope that you do."

So I called her personal ad,
And all my dreams came true.