Here's an email to my mom which started it all. Sometimes I have to go back to it when I get to feeling like, well, like my last entry.
I have been thinking about you lately and felt like writing, but have had little time. You know the story.
I recently listened to the audio book version of David Burns book "Feeling Good." I remember you telling me about it quite some time ago and it seemed to make sense at the time. I never really followed through with any of the steps at the time, and any insights quickly vanished. Recently, due to the volatile situation at home, and my inability to cope, I sought to grasp at anything that might help me to better deal with my emotions and frustrations. This book has been very helpful in making me see where I am making my own life more negative and depressing than it needs to be.
I don’t say that I am “cured” of anger, frustration or resentment after having listened to it. However, seeing what is happening as it happens is a big step toward improving. He has a lot of concrete advice (something I wish all therapists would offer) and his observations and techniques are very helpful to a person who is “stuck” in some kind of emotional rut or another.
I think the audio book idea is a good way for a person on the go to get the benefit of reading when sitting down to read is impractical. I listen in my car or while cooking or doing dishes. The soothing tone and the rational thought processes infiltrate my thinking. Later, when situations arise, I am brought back to the examples or strategies outlined in the book and I find I can deal with things more calmly.
It has helped me to be more empathic and less reactive to people. I recently had an epiphany or revelation or whatever you want to call it. Here it is. There are other people on the planet besides myself. It is kind of shocking and amazing that I should only be realizing this at the age of 45. I guess, better late than never.
This thought led me to the related fact that these other people have feelings, emotional ruts, desires, hopes, fears and motivations similar and dissimilar to my own. I guess my 2-way radio has been stuck on transmit the whole time. Now I find that I can tune in to the thoughts and feelings of others and this is greatly helpful in making social situations less dysfunctional.
These thoughts running through my head kind of made me forget my immediate issues and start to ponder some of the deeper issues of life such as “what is the meaning of life?”
I am not ready to write a book or thesis but here it is in a nutshell. What I think I believe at the current moment (subject to change):
We are all God/gods as a part of the collective consciousness known as life. This includes animals, trees, sure—whatever.
A long time ago being all powerful, blah, blah blah, We got bored and decided to invent a game to play for Our amusement.
The game is called the world as we know it. It is similar to Monopoly or the game of Life. We come from “the other place” and take on various roles, each designed to teach us different things. But we already know these things, hence the game. We have all this erased, or mostly erased, and come in as a blank slate. The fun is in the process. Not winning or losing. But there is a goal. To become love incarnate.
Religions are like clues we leave for the next round of the game. Tips to help get you there. The “Golden Rule” would probably suffice. Sure, some religions are twisted and not as helpful, but that’s because we are all imperfect as long as we are in this realm. We don’t always see things clearly and we get “programmed” by other imperfect mortals. And we all have the handicap of this mortal body. There are consequences to improper play, but there is no final judgment, only the judgment you make on yourself. We come back again and again to “get” different aspects of the game and perfect our playing of it.
Negative thoughts and emotions, physical disabilities, natural catastrophes, etc are all obstacles designed into the game to perfect our outcome. They are like hurdles for the runner, the bar for the pole-vaulter and the waves upon which we surf (once we have learned how to not flail around in the water). Every game has to have opposing players and every challenge must have something difficult to overcome. It is through these challenges and conflicts that we grow. Remember the goal is love. In the end, we are all really on the same team, just for the purposes of training we have to split up into two sides in order to have a game to play at all.
Things on this planet that make us happy we designed into the game as respites and rewards: food, sex, music, a good book, a sunset—whatever you like. These make the tedious aspects of the game more tolerable. It isn’t all fun. Not by a longshot. But once we decided to play the game, being all Godly and stuff, well, the game isn’t going away any time soon. There are a lot of poor sports who would just as soon chuck the Monopoly board across the room and say “I quit.” But the game goes on. And guess what? You can’t quit! You may have a time out. But really, everyone will have to come on board eventually.
If it ever gets out, this whole nature of the universe as a game and everyone really does evolve to that point…ahem. That is the scary thing for us as humans. It could be the end of the universe as we know it. I mean, when you place the last card in solitaire and everything is nicely arranged—it’s game over. And that’s a good thing. Maybe that is why there seem to always be stragglers and un-evolved people still walking around. We don’t want the game to end. What will We do next?
I, for my part, feel a whole lot more comfortable in my skin knowing that it is just a game. The pressure is off. I’m not going to drive my car into a tree to “hit the reset button” because I have come too far in this game to start again. I don’t know what the “other side” holds, but I’m pretty sure it’s all ice cream and rainbows and nothing even so malevolent as a hiccup.
I don’t know how long a person must live or how many times we come back or when or if we stop. As a human I am used to linear thinking. That is how I came up with the game analogy. I believe that there will be an end. And I believe in the triumph of good over evil. Evil is a potent adversary, but as all powerful Us, we created it, just to have a challenge, just to pass a few millennium. Solitaire is boring. There is no script and sometimes the rules are not clear to us, but ultimately, We cannot be defeated by something We created. In the end everyone will win and good will swallow up evil. George Bush, Hitler, Ghandi and Jesus will all have a cappuccino and discuss the events as they saw them. The stories could go on forever…
That’s the “reason for it all.” So that in the afterlife, when all is said and done, We will have something to talk about. And so We can’t say “I wonder what would have happened if…” For all I know there could be a zillion versions of this game being played out, different universes with slightly similar, slightly different players and constructs. Like an episode of “Fringe” or “Sliders.”
And no, I’m not on drugs.
I just came back to the keyboard to find my cat has typed a good portion of this (kidding---though I will give her credit for any typos).
That being said, I am still human, still struggle with depression, hurt, anger, frustration and fear. I just have a different perspective now and am trying it on for size. Even prisoners in solitary have freedom if only in their mind.
Well, enough philosophizing for now. It’s time for dinner.
So, how have you been? Don’t feel like you have to match my long-windedness if you don’t want to. I appreciate any email from you.
Love,
Andrew
