Diane

I had changed the title to "How to Lose Friends and Alienate People -- Just Be Yourself" but then changed it back. Why? Because I figured it would be more intriguing and give my one or 2 occasional readers the enticement to read it. Conniving? Manipulative? Overthinking it? Sue me. I'm human, or at least it hasn't been disproved yet. Not sure where the burden of proof lies. Anyway, back to the original narrative.

I guess I’ll attempt to write about something that’s been bugging me since September. I will try to not get in my own way, as I usually do, by censoring or evaluating each sentence as I go. This isn’t going to make me look good anyway, so I just want to get all the words out, and maybe I’ll be better off.

So, in September I gave some money to someone’s go fund me account. Not some random stranger, but someone who I’ve known for years and thought I had a pretty decent online rapport with. It was Diane, who is my friend on Facebook, and who I knew 30 years ago from “the cult.” I've always enjoyed her posts and pictures and we’d comment on each other’s stuff, etc. She seems like one of the more genuine types, as in she’s gonna tell ya what she thinks and be honest about it.

Anyway, her daughter posted that her mom was in need of money for some medical bills and she started this go fund me thing. I felt moved, in my grinchy little heart to give, so I attempted to do so anonymously. Apparently, it doesn’t work that way, and I got put on a list of people whom she thanked in a group tagging type of post. I wasn’t looking for any recognition, or so I thought at the time. But anyway, she thanked everyone, and that was that.

I wondered what it was that she may have been dealing with and wanted to offer some kind of words of encouragement, so I PM'd her. Anyway, here’s the message:

Hi, Diane. I hope you are doing ok. I know I haven’t been very Facebook-y lately, but I saw your daughter’s post and guessed you must be going through something serious. I just wanted you to know and feel that you have friends that care about you. Your photos and funny observations are part of your magnetic personality which, I’m sure you must know, have given you quite a fan base. But it is your openness and genuineness that have always made it very easy to be your friend. Don’t ever lose that unique “Dianeness” that makes everyone that knows you love you. And please be ok! Okay?

OK, she never replied. And I guess what I’m ruminating about is that I went ahead and creeped her out by my over-the-top, socially inept message. I know she saw the message, according to Facebook’s little tattle-tale “seen” icon. Perhaps I was not as unselfish in my giving as I had hoped to be. I guess I thought it would strengthen our friendship, or at least not ruin it by making it uncomfortable or weird.

Now, I know it could be all in my mind, but I haven’t been speaking to anyone on Facebook lately and this is partly why. I go out of my way to insert myself into people’s lives, even in the most innocent of ways, and I come off creepy. I think of myself as “that guy” and “bad dog” for even approaching people without prior approval. I wasn’t trying to date her or anything of that nature. But I must have projected lonesome loser-ness all over the place.

That’s what it’s like in my head. I don’t make friends easily but I can lose them without any effort (or despite my best efforts). It’s difficult to live without any interaction with people, but I’m finding it more and more to be my default. It’s easier than second-guessing everything you say and certainly less painful than getting rejected or snubbed or whatever it is I am perceiving is being done to me.

So now, I’m hiding out under the deck. That’s what my two socially stunted rescue dogs do. Despite years of reconditioning, they are scarred by some traumatic event which left them extremely distrustful of humans. If you so much as raise an eyebrow at them the will head for the shelter of the trusty back patio, hiding under it until coaxed out with extreme assurances of their being “good boys.”  Even dog treats have no effect on this behavior. Someone evidently fucked that up for them, too, so they see treats as a prelude to more abuse.

I know it’s messed up, but I can relate. There. I’ve addressed the creep in the room.  It’s me.

For what it's worth, I've thought about trying to fix it, maybe one of two ways. (1) Start interacting again and let it go. Pretend I never got all butt-hurt and just get over myself, already. That would be best, but unlikely. I'm just not able. (2) Ask Diane directly. I can't even begin to compose anything that is concise enough or wouldn't convey the overly mental brain-fuckery in my head. I'm sure if it was an innocent oversight on her part the first time, I would creep her out by my way inappropriate reaction.

Too much time has gone by, and I've invested way too much emotion in this. I get it. Nobody is really thinking of me all that much. Other than myself, of course. And I hate myself for so many things, this is just one of them.