Not gonna sugar coat it

 

 

And forget about silver linings. I just wish I could close my eyes and wake up in a different type of reality. Why not? A little over 24 hours ago there was this reality where the whole town of Paradise wasn't destroyed, and then, in a few hours, it all changed. For the worse. 

I have a hard time understanding who to pray to or why. This sucks. I am not going to "accept" this or be at peace with the turn of events. This year has been so unbelievably fucked. Count fucking blessings my ass! Why? So later, when they are gone, you can tally your losses? Better to have loved and lost? Better to have experienced fleeting joy and lose it than never to have experienced anything?

I'm beginning to see why people make up such nice stories in their religions about eternity and everlasting this or that. It is just too difficult to face all these things that you love being gone. What's the point?  I guess if lying to yourself makes you happy, sure. We all want to escape reality in one way or another. And as for "embracing the messiness" of your human experience ala Jeff Foster or Byron Katie or any of those other "loving what is" fools -- embrace this! How about a red hot poker up your ass? Holocausts, babies on pitchforks and any other version of human misery you can think of. I don't get it. Pray to whom? A sadist? Myself? Nothing?

I've been more angry with God than this. This is just a boring rehash of my argument with reality. I'm really just looking for someone to blame, as if that would make anything better.

It's smoky outside. The wind shifted and now everything is in an overcast orange haze. Soon the air will be unfit to breathe. Whatever. I'm getting tired of doing that, anyway. You can get your news from the TV. I'm not an objective reporter. This channel is reserved for my bitching about stuff.