Not so entertaining, is it?

Watching someone's descent into mental illness probably shouldn't be fun. One should probably be made to feel a bit slimy themselves just for peeping in here.

This blog was never meant to be read by anyone. It was made to be a toxic space, not unlike those "safe" spaces people are always talking about. Only, this was made to be a wretched and crap-filled space, used only for dumping raw, terrible emotions, unfit for others to view.

My wife found it and was so impressed by the purity of my evil core that she promptly started her own blog, competing with me for just how deeply into the harsh world of negativity one could lower oneself. Her rantings were mostly directed at me and my shortcomings as a caregiver, husband and human being in general.

Around that time I began using this blog to beam positive energy towards her. I stopped with all descriptions of my angst (mostly) and tried to generate "love and light" or some such happy fiction. I would do this usually after a fight, when I was banished to the little room downstairs, which I now inhabit full time. From my time-out box, I would send out a desperate coded message to the universe saying "I give up. Here, is this what you want? Love and light, it is, then."

I can't say that it ever fixed anything permanently. It was kind of a stop-gap measure, like duct taping a leaking pipe. When I look back at all those "Love and Light" posts now, I have no real record of what we were fighting about or how bad it even was. I just remember that it must have been awful or I wouldn't have gone to the trouble of logging in and posting the request.

Anyway, in a roundabout way,  I'm saying that this portal into my private hell is going to be made private again. I guess, not wanting to disgust my Facebook friends, I retreated to this location to bleed out my foul innards. I'm only aware that my Mom and Lori ever decided to follow the now deleted link which led them to look at this.

I long for attention, but I guess I don't respond appropriately. I am not good at being truly humble. I'd rather choke on my own bitterness than ask for assistance. I alternately send up flares and hide out in a cave avoiding humanity. My flares are running out now and I think I'll be just hiding out for the duration.

I'm making this public again for a while, as a kind of last, weak gesture, until I get into another, even worse, frame of mind. Then I will disable it entirely and I'll be just another cancelled reality show. Sorry I wasn't more entertaining. Perhaps if there had been a few more comments in the box below I could have found a way to make the program more to your liking. But that would run contrary to the whole theme of speaking into a void. The void never answers back.