Managing my addictions

Trying to lessen the hold of depression, I am finding myself looking back at my old addictions. Maybe giving them a second look. I didn't drink (coffee and alcohol) and smoke weed for no reason. I did it because it made me feel good. Sure, I pushed the button so many times that it wore out and eventually became the source of more problems and less feeling good was the outcome.

This grieving process has become it's own addiction, using sadness as a cure for emptiness. In an effort to loosen its grip, I have turned to all 3 of my old friends, albeit in a less compulsive, more deliberate manner. I have given in to a habit of 1 alcohol beverage once a week. Something I can look forward to on a Friday or Saturday evening. I do the same thing with coffee, but that's in the morning. The weed I will include with either or both of these other indulgences.

I'm not trying to justify or rationalize my behavior. Clearly, there is no one I'm trying to impress. I'm just documenting my feelings and what I'm doing about them.

The weed and coffee combo in the morning has the effect of speeding up my metabolism and rewiring my brain to be interested in doing things. Lots of things, from playing guitar to taking on the next project. (I need a bathroom shelf. Custom sized, wood stained to match existing fixtures.) I don't want to rely on these drugs, as I know where that leads me. So far, I've kept it to just the one event per week. One hit of weed, one cup of coffee. One beer or shot, one hit of weed. That makes 2 hits of weed per week, I can still do math.

I figure it is just as bad for me as anything else, but in tiny amounts, it's not going to be the cause of immediate health problems. The same goes for peanut butter. If I have maybe a tablespoon in a day, fine. If I pig out to the point of saturation, maybe a half a cup or so, I will experience skin problems. The point is, completely denying myself of these things which give me a modest amount of pleasure is doing nothing for my overall well-being. Sitting on my ass all day watching TV, or even doing this stupid blog, has an equally deleterious effect on my health. I need a balance.

Activity, in the form of exercise and recreation, as well as tasks like gardening or home maintenance, are necessary for me not to deteriorate rapidly. Simple routines may keep me from completely wallowing in lethargy, but by themselves, day in day out, become drudgery. The need is for me to have something to look forward to. Checking the mail or folding laundry can't be the high point of my day.

I am finding that while I go out for a walk, despite my seeking routes that I hope will be less trafficked, I am talking to people occasionally. It's not much, but now at least I am reasonably certain that I'm not a ghost. I still feel like one, though, most days.

Nothing is going to fix this for me, not drugs, not spirituality, music, people, food, drink or any other distraction. Nothing is going to get to the core of what's wrong. What's wrong with me can't be fixed. It's called being human. And going through shit. And I'm still doing that. So, in my own way, alone, I'm managing. Thanks for asking.