What Happened?

 

I don't know. I woke up with an earworm. No, not some physical otological parasite, but the song by Ruben Blades, "What Happened?" I was in some situation where I was perplexed, and this was my soundtrack. "WTF! IDK!" to translate the message of the '80s salsa tune into today's text vernacular. It is a song about a drunk who causes himself and others nothing but trouble, of which he is stubbornly unaware.

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I was up until 3 last night. GDF'ing Windows. I have 4 PCs that I keep networked on a home wifi/LAN network. The computers can all access one another without necessarily being online. To do this I disable the internet gateway and make a desktop shortcut with the simple \\COMPUTER NAME address. This keeps them from getting online, but allows them to communicate over an intranet type of network.

Usually. Until some Windows update comes along and fucks it all up by changing some setting which makes one or more of the computers invisible. "COMPUTER cannot be found because the network path is invalid." I am usually able to fix it by changing some setting in network connections or by re-enabling the file share option in Windows explorer. 

Not last night. I tried all my tricks, which mostly consist of cursing and repeatedly hitting the enter button until the problem goes away on its own. I cursed my voice raw and had to provide extra comfort to Patsy in the form of belly rubs because that's the deal: curse and get mad, pet the kitty. It works out pretty good for her, since she gets belly rubs, either way.

It is April 22, Earth Day. Happy Birthday, Me. I don't have any plans, other than that I will be attending my DBSA group meeting via Zoom tonight. It is Thursday, so that's what I do. 

I will be facilitating, which means I'll be the host, I believe. Perhaps, co-host, I don't know. It will be my first time, since I just completed the training last Saturday. The other facilitators will be there to make sure I don't fuck up or go on a tirade. 

It should be a pretty non-eventful event for everyone but me. I will be terrified. 

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PHHFFFFFT!

Ok, since I woke up this morning, nothing has gone as I'd liked. Even my morning dump gave me a fight. If you can't take a shit without a struggle, what kind of a day do you think it will wind up being, really? 

I went outside to water and found a leaky garden hose. I tried to fix it, but the hose has expanded too much to be able to use a repair fitting. It's blown out, like my asshole feels after that dump. 

Next, I went back to the computer. Big mistake. Of course it still wouldn't be working correctly. I have narrowed down the problem, though. My VPN is somehow interfering with only one of my networked PCs. A quick chat with the tech at Nord left him as stumped as me. I uninstalled and re-installed the program, to no avail. 

My takeaway is that some days and some things will not go your way no matter how much you fight with it. Give up the fight. Let things be as they are. Decay and decomposition win in the end anyway. Get on board with that; quit being a human and stop trying to erect a tower to heaven. Admit defeat, mortal.

Oh, and the cat barfed right on cue, just as I was about to eat breakfast.

Can hardly wait for the meeting. Gotta see how brilliantly I fuck that up, given my track record today.

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I spent the afternoon weed-eating and mowing the front strip of land on the street in front of my property. It wasn't the usual level of activity that I am accustomed to, as far as my step-counter is concerned. But the frontage is looking somewhat improved. I can only handle so much of that kind of exercise. My gut hurt from the strain of swinging the weed-eater around.

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Well, the meeting went well. It was about what I expected, a bit rough at first, with some awkward self-consciousness when my mouth and brain didn't engage right away. Things evened out, though, after the members of the group started sharing. I became an "active listener," as opposed to my usual fly on the wall approach. 

I could feel myself opening up a bit to the possibility that some human emotive ability might reside in me after all. I'd always assumed I didn't come equipped with the empathy gene at all. I felt a rapport with all of the members and tried my best to respond in a thoughtful manner to each of their comments at check-in. 

Later on in the evening, though, I got a call from an old friend. I spoke with him for hours, listening to him recount the details of his recent divorce court date. I felt I was being encouraging and supportive, at least for the first two hours.

Then things took a turn. The subject of religion came up, and he became rather obtuse. I believe he gets this way when he's been drinking, but it may be the subject matter fueling his argumentative spirit. I listened to him make the same point for about 20 minutes, and I finally had to cut him off. 

It only got worse from there. He accused me of all sorts of things, some of which I admitted to, others I felt were inaccurate. In all, I was trying to be respectful, but at a certain point he'd worn out my patience. After all was said and done, we ended on a sour note, each of us convinced that it was the other whose perception of the conversation was faulty.

So I can facilitate a discussion group with 16 people, most of whom I only know online, but I can't manage to make a friend, who I've known for 30+ years, feel supported?

I am beyond tired from all of last night's computer frustration and from the emotional roller coaster I've been on this last day or so. Well, not an up and down roller coaster, more the kind that just pushes you off a ledge and drops you straight down.

I'm a mess. I don't care who knows it. See me, feel me, FUCK ME, heal me. DA na na na na - DANT DANT - DA na na na na.