Goodbye, Hello

10/27/23 12:14 PM

...(more ellipses...and parentheses, sorry) 

I called my psychiatrist, reporting increased agitation, irritability, suicidal thoughts, impulsivity, rage -- all the fun stuff you expect from a "mood stabilizer," right? I was concerned because I have been acting in ways that I would not call rational, which, I know is hard to quantify, given who I already am. But this was a hundred times worse. He said to go ahead and pull the plug. 

Sadly, I never even got close to the therapeutic dose. I was on Lamotrigine 75mg, ramping up slowly from 25 with a target of 200. I have never felt such extreme rage, even at the smallest things. It started as mild irritation, but as the dosage increased, the symptoms increased exponentially. 

For a week or so, I felt like I was in an emotional blender. Rage, sadness, increased libido (a great side effect if you are single and have no partner -- or even if you do, it might not be appreciated at that level). I made some poor decisions and acted in ways that make me cringe, probably imploding my most treasured friendship, or at the very least creating a wound that will take some time to heal. 

I don't know if this drug was liberating my true self, the one that my depression has been keeping bound up and locked in a cycle of lethargy and inactivity, or if it was changing my personality, but regardless, I felt myself turning into something like a monstrous asshole dick motherfucker. (I have to wait a few days for it to clear my system, so forgive the Tourette-like outbursts.) I don't enjoy being this Jekyll and Hyde type of character, so I'm stopping as of today.

Bye, bye, Lamotrigine, and hello Darkness, my old friend. Just regular, mild-mannered darkness, not raging hulk darkness. I guess, I'll have to live with that, for everyone's safety.

Meanwhile, I hope my friend can forgive me. I didn't mean to make your life uncomfortable.