I still can't

 

It's been nearly a year, and still I can't bring myself to sort through all of Sharon's things, or just wholesale start throwing stuff out. I am a hoarder, I guess, and I have too much attachment to all the memories that go along with the stuff. Even a scrap of paper with her writing on it will be too hard for me to part with. We gave away most of her clothes when she was still alive, so at least there's not a lot there to deal with. 

But her office is another story. It is a place that's been frozen in time, somewhere around 2008, when she was still going in there. I have to go in there once in a while to use the printer or dig something out of the filing cabinet But mostly it is a time capsule that bears witness to a whole other human life. And it has also become an NFL memorabilia storage facility.
 
I went through some old emails of hers today. Why, I don't know. But I came across some that were a familiar thorn in my side from a long time ago. I already aired this stuff out in 2009 or so, and I'm not going to go into it all again now. I'm not ready to face my own inconsistencies, and she's not around anymore to speak for herself.

It doesn't change my missing her at all. It does color in the picture of her a little more fully and makes the story of our relationship a bit more convoluted. I prefer to leave it out for now. Let's just say she was a more complex person than most gave her credit for. Jealousy was a big issue for me in the early days, not so much anymore.

If I ever need trigger my sentimental sadness, I can always go into that room and attempt to de-clutter. I always wind up engaging in what Sharon called "Aunt Carol-ing it up," which means becoming completely immobilized while attempting to clean out old stuff due to an inability to stop reminiscing over each and every little tidbit. I tried to do a little today, but wound up Aunt Carol-ing it up big time.