What's next?

 

Death, ultimately. But in the short term, what? I can appeal my decision from disability. Let's just say it comes out the same, which is likely. Then what will I do? I don't have a job to go back to. I have lost pretty much all the valued skills that I sort of collected over the years as a mechanic. I'm too old, too slow and too scatterbrained to be of much use in that profession. That door is pretty much closing for me, even if I desired to go that way.

I need to reinvent myself, but as what? I am still wearing the mask of the depressed, grieving widower guy. I am fully locked into that role, now that the rebellious, reluctant, stressed out caregiver role has played out. I never seem to be able to see a larger view of myself, one which incorporates aspects of other parts of who I am. They all die or get tucked away in deep storage while I immerse myself in my current persona.

If I choose to keep playing this current character, though, I will have to see what a life without income looks like, as I won't be getting paid to be my mopey-ass self any longer. I really can't see past this one, though. It's like I hit a roadblock and can't move forward. I try to envision myself in various work-related scenarios, and nothing seems to fit. I wonder how does a person who is as stuck as I am get a complete makeover?

Who would employ me, and what could I do? What would make me happiest? What compromises could I make? What am I even capable of?

The simplest solution would seem to be suicide. Just relieve everyone of the burden of my existence. I'm not bringing anyone any joy, except arguably the cats. And Whiskey likes the Milk Bones. But I've worn out every other human being on the planet with my negativity and lack of positive attributes. The cats, I'm sure would miss me, but would adjust to a new and more interesting life with someone else. Do they miss Sharon? I can't tell. They never really seemed to notice, other than there was a space on the bed that she once occupied.

I have motive, means and opportunity. I just lack the will to act. Who knows if being impoverished slowly and watching my empire crumble will provide the impetus to take the necessary action. I don't know, but I would like to avoid as much suffering as possible. If I knew what lay beyond the curtain, and whether or not killing myself would have any afterlife type of consequences, it would help make my decision easier.

One thing I know for sure is that I'm not living now. Not really. Death might not be that different, or even all that bad. It might be nothing at all. Like the blackness of a dreamless sleep. Or it might be like my dreams, uncontrollable and inconsistent. Who knows if there would be some kind of remedial placement into a more favorable existence? Or if this one is it, take it or leave it. Eventually life leaves you, so there's no point in trying to hold onto it forever.

I know I need to do the basic, minimum amount of things in this life to just continue to remain alive. Eat, breathe, move around a little. I can't see adding a whole list of chores to that, when I'm already not happy with being here. If I stop moving around, my body will shut down sooner. I can't really do the hunger strike thing, I tend to want to eat. But who knows, starvation could be an option. I could just not buy any food and eat less and less. But that involves suffering, of which I am not too fond.

My ass is complaining that I'm sitting too long. So, I guess I will go food shopping and continue the charade of what is my life for another 2 weeks. Why kill yourself when there's still food in the fridge? I was going to plant a garden this year. Another thing I probably won't do. I just am not energetic enough to put dirt and seeds in pots and water them.