Some notes from the past

I haven't had any interesting dreams to report, and probing the depths of my sadness is becoming a chore. I don't trigger as easily these last few days. Frankly, I'm not happy about it. Where are you, sadness, my constant companion? Have you left me, too? Now what?

I'm going back in time, rummaging through files of paper documents. The ones I'm particularly interested in at the moment are any journal-like writings that I may have kept. I found a bunch more. I knew I would, if I dug a little deeper.

There is no coherent, cohesive record of my thoughts that spans my entire life. There are, however, scraps and tidbits that make up a mosaic and can give a picture of sorts. Kind of a glimpse through a keyhole at randomly recorded events. Some of them defy my ability to comprehend why I would have chosen to write such nonsense. Others make me wonder how I could have known then what I don't seem to be able to grasp now.

As I mentioned before, I'm consolidating and will be back dating these snapshots into this blog with the title "Journal Entry for ______." I'm trying to show some kind of chronology to my journey. God, I hate that word, "journey." Anyway, there is quite a lot of crap to go through. I wanted to do it by scanning them, but my handwriting is so atrocious that I'd be the only one to ever be able to decode it.

I may include other things, such as song lyrics, poetry, scanned artwork or even unsent personal correspondence (usually in the form of love-letters). While not journal entries per se, they provide a snapshot of whatever kind of cuckoo was going on in my head at the time.

I will not do much editing, so as to let the content be as it was intended at the time. Just the occasional paragraph break or punctuation for clarity and ease of reading. There is a lot of objectionable, disturbing and plain old dumb shit that I thought for some reason I needed to express at the time. I think the greater crime would be for me to now redact the nasty bits in order to make myself out to be something that I'm not.

It's embarrassing being me sometimes, but that's who I've gotta be.


Happy judging, critics!