A day without sadness

Haven't had one yet. But I'm getting close, some days. Sorry to anyone who is cheering for me at this point--not so fast.

A day without sadness is for me a day of empty, joyless existence. It frightens me to be heartless like that, to not be moved by anything. All of my emotional buttons have been non-functional for a long time, with the exception of sadness (and intermittently, anger).

I don't get irrational bursts of happiness, or things of that nature. I do get easily triggered by the the negative things I perceive. I seem to lack the ability to recognize and react appropriately to the good things that surely must exist in my life. I am just unable to see them or feel them. So, in order to feel anything at all, I resort to the easiest, nearest emotional triggers--sadness and anger.

If awareness is so aware, why can't I be aware of what others find in life to be worth living for? I have awareness of my numbness, awareness of my sorrow, awareness of my low frustration tolerance, but what about awareness of something else? This love, beauty, joy, etc. that everyone else is raving about? How do I become aware of something that I can't see or feel?

Can someone make me feel these things? Tickle my funny bone? Make me experience love? I'm like a cold dog, shivering. I may take extra long to warm up, even after throwing the blanket on me. I may resist the blanket and be suspicious. My mind isn't working right, and I might not be trusting of anyone coming near me. How can they help? Just leave me alone.

I'm guessing most people don't wake up with these thoughts in their heads. "I hope I can feel something today, even if it's just more sorrow."

later~
awareness is aware of what? (assmunch says what?)

i think one can double or even triple their pain simply by being aware of it. what do drugs do but try to trick your brain into not being aware of pain? This trick can work by interrupting the pain receptors message to the brain or by shutting them off at the source. if one can practice shifting ones attention manually to something else, whatever you focus on becomes your reality. people can defy all kinds of things by just getting really intensely interested in something else. distract your way to a better tomorrow.


 Later, later~


After spending the afternoon obsessively involved in cleaning the one the small corner of my desk where my new audio interface will reside, I found it to be already 3:30 and myself needing to go for my walk. I dropped my project and shuffled myself out the door and down the street on my usual route.

It was progressing as usual: boring. Then a song came on my iPod which began to evoke sadness (yay, can't do without that in a day). It was Emma's Song by Sinead O'Connor. Yeah, that'll do. After it played once, another version came on of the same track. Sadness buttons, activate!

I was just about to settle in for my regularly scheduled walking cry when, suddenly, out of nowhere I was waylaid by two pretty much irresistible puppy dogs, who had escaped from a neighbor's fence and began following me on my walk.

 

This would not do. I escorted them back to their property, but found the gate to have a giant gap, from which they could easily escape again. I placed the neighbor's trash bin in front of it and proceeded on my way. I put the song back on and...two seconds later, there they were again. This time under the gate. Oh, good grief.

I found some cut tree limbs and placed them under the opening. Then more tree limbs. Then rocks and tree limbs. Then a frickin' log. I went vertical, horizontal, back and front. I must have made 10 attempts to reincarcerate those escapees but each time they found a new way around my obstacles and followed me down the street.  Finally, after completely sealing off the gate and making it an impassable roadblock, I  knew they couldn't get past it.

Wrong. Ten seconds later they were at my feet, proud to show me that they could easily get out somewhere else on the property. I marched them all around, looking for the neighbors (who were home, but inside the house playing loud music). I called for them whenever the music stopped, but inevitably, just as I would think that for sure they heard me that time, they'd start up the music again each time. No dice. I was stuck with these little guys.

I walked home and, of course, they followed.

I put them in my back dog pen, a very secure yard. I had to double latch the gate, as they immediately attempted to escape by pushing through at the bottom. Persistent little buggers. But security prevailed and they grew desperate. Crying and whining and sounding like they were being tortured, I left them to go call animal control. Again, no dice. Not open after 5pm.

"911 what is your emergency?"

"No, it's not an emergency, it's just, well, I need to get someone over here to go in and talk to my neighbors. They have 2 big dogs and 2 small puppies and..." Their response was confusing. No, they couldn't send an officer to do that. But when I said, "Fine, so you won't be sending anyone out, then?" they told me, "Oh, we will send an officer. We have to, any time 911 is called."

It got dark. I walked the little guys home for the 15th time and this time it stuck. The owner was whistling for them and they went in the gate for good (for now). One of them did give me a pretty forlorn look and wavered, as if torn by the decision. The neighbor apologized, using one of his very few English vocabulary words, "Sorry."

I am still waiting for the Sheriff's officer to show up and give me my lecture on the proper use of 911.

I must be in some pretty dire straits for the universe to send in the puppy dogs in an attempt to pull me from my funk. I did work, though, if only temporarily.