Basic stuff

 

"Um" and "Uh." Two of my favorite words. So expressive. Expansive? Exasperating? Excruciating? You fill in the blank. Pick a word that starts with the letter "E."

Um means, "I'm thinking, wait a minute, I have to google it, I don't have the answer yet. Hold on, it's still ringing." While uh is a sound which signifies, "It's not coming to me. Nope. Still don't got it. Still don't got it. Dial tone. The caller has left the line. The address at that server could not be found. Error 404."

I'm living my life between Um and Uh. I still don't get it yet. Whatever "it" is, isn't coming to me. But I haven't yet hung up the phone. I'm still listening. The silence is getting hard to strain through, though. No answer.

So I'm just waiting my turn. In between Um and Uh. Getting closer to Uh.

I'm trying to envision something meaningful and fun. Not necessarily, but hopefully, making them one and the same. As in, "Do something meaningful today. And while you're at it, have some fun." I have to train my brain to think this way. The benefits are undeniable. Dopamine awaits the successful conclusion to any positively viewed endeavor. Natures little reward system.

Drugs could be used to kickstart the process, I suppose, but they will more than likely circumvent the whole achievement based reward system. No achievement, but still the reward. Not to be bypassed, karma seems to punish the individual who self-rewards too often. Hangovers, withdrawal, craving. Whereas, "Kindness is its own reward." Or is it cleanliness that is it's own reward? No matter. Same idea. Do good and you will not only feel good, but there's no apparent downside.

Still trying to work that into my routine.

Doing the same old thing day in and day out is not having its own reward for me.  Thinking the same thoughts, going through the same motions, feeling the same feelings. Breaking out isn't as easy as it seems. But I guess it starts in the same place as the problem starts: in the brain. Think of good things, do good things, feel good things. Don't get the cart before the horse. Unless you happen to be wired that way.

Is that it? I'm wired backward? How easy would it be to switch everything over to running on positive current? What would that even look like in my life? Me thinking what? Doing what? Feeling...anything?

Um.