Let's make it an early night

She would say this to me on occasions when we were both tired, it was cold or if there was nothing good on TV. Or if I had to go to work the next day. It was a treat to just pack it in early and go to sleep. I say this to myself most nights these days and, of course, it brings the sadness of remembering those times.

Every night is an early night now, with nothing to look forward to in the morning. Just another day to try to get through so I can make it an early night again.

Sleep isn't as fulfilling or as deep when one has done very little during the day. She used to try to tire herself out during the day, so as to sleep during the boring infomercial hours of the middle of the night. I used to have no problem sleeping straight through to the alarm clock at 5:15 on work days and much later on weekends.

Every day is the same now, except for the TV programs that I wake up to in the middle of the night. Those are worse on the weekends, so I occasionally won't leave the TV on all night. I can't sleep more than a couple hours at a time, anyway, and I can't stand waking up to a show with blaring audio. Those old '50s shows are the worst, with their obnoxious film noir dialogue or even more annoying early hipster jazz soundtracks.

I've gotten to where I can't stand to hear anything like "what a gas" or "listen here, see." And don't even get me started on "daddy-o." I think it's because I saw a movie called "Brick" where the entire script was written in over the top, cheesy hipster speak. Like, fuckin' talk normal, already, geez. I feel my stomach tighten when I'm watching something, and it starts to sway towards that type of lingo. Yeah, even the work "lingo" is drifting too far in that direction.

So, back to my early night. I have a routine which keeps me minimally distracted, but not really enough to get that satisfied, end of the day feeling. Mostly, my day revolves around my 2 meals and one snack, an hour long walk and the TV lineup on METV, the only station that comes in pretty consistently over the air. Little rituals like making tea or seeing to it that the cats and dogs are fed at a certain time each day are what keep me from sinking into a completely sedentary life of television watching.

I intersperse a few activities such as bi-weekly grocery shopping and weekly house cleaning. But there can be days that go by with nothing much to show for me being alive. These are days that never really begin, so getting to the end of them is difficult.

End of the day was another term she would use a lot, in her case meaning, "I am not functioning at my best because it's the end of the day." As time went on, the end of the day got earlier and earlier, to the point where it was too early to even use that term. Then it became, "I didn't get good sleep last night." If you are bedridden and can't get good sleep, it must be hell, sleep being one of the only activities available to a bedridden person.

I'm having a really hard time keeping myself active enough to avoid the health problems that lead to one becoming disabled for real. Like, if you sit on your ass long enough, you will become unable to get up out of that chair. Bones and muscles ache, and things don't work right. I think, whereas before most of my problems were due to overwork and stress, now I suffer from inactivity and lethargy.

And still by far my most rewarding activity in a day is a good cry.  Fuck me!