Things are gonna have to be said that can't be unsaid. I'm just that way. I can let some things go for years, a lifetime it seems, but there comes a time when shit bugs me too much and I can't keep my big mouth shut. I need to focus my laser, so as to be as precise as possible and avoid doing too much damage. But it's not going to be without pain. I've never been able to deliver a diatribe in a likeable manner.
I just feel like biting my tongue for the moment, postpone the inevitable a bit longer. Play nice. Take a measured approach. Maybe rethink my position before unleashing.
It's not pretty. It's kind of like the nuclear option. Stuff gets irretrievable once the button is pushed. I guess feelings might get hurt, but that's only a guess. I'm operating with very little intel about the target of my hostility.
Feeling uneasy? I am. It's the calm before the storm. The night before surgery. I just know I won't be able to die properly having not given this the attention it deserves. I can die with unpaid taxes, or a few household repairs unfinished. Or a lot of household repairs. But this has been bugging me for a while, just under the radar is all.
Well, my radar has been blipped.
Maybe I should consider therapy. It's what most people do in these cases. If they can afford it. I don't have enough confidence in the process to invest the time or money that I'm sure it will require to excise this rot from my psyche. So, if I just yell at the individual maybe that would be therapy enough. It may not do so much good for the person in question or whatever relationship they might think we have. But holding things inside is definitely unhealthy, so it can't be avoided.
At least with Sharon, she was able to get a lot of her anger with me out early on. It hurt like hell at the time, but I'm guessing it did her good to not internalize it. I deserved some of it, perhaps not all, but I'll accept that it was what she needed to do at the time. And I hope that when she did tell me, days before dying, "You know I love you, right?" that it was with a clear heart and that she meant it. We had fought our last battle, her and I.
I want to leave this earth saying those things to people and meaning it. But I'm not there yet. The bad stuff has to come out first. Then, if there's any healing from that, perhaps there will be enough time in this life to rebuild, or shall I say build a relationship. Here's to hoping.
No comments:
Post a Comment
I've changed my comments settings to allow for anyone to comment. All comments are welcome, even spineless potshots from anonymous posters. Please, by all means, give me the tongue lashing I so richly deserve. I promise not to hunt you down and melt your keyboard with my plasma cannon. I won't, however, promise not to pout and make that face you can't stand.